our hearts are restless…

too rich for my blood was that beef bourguignon and cheesy oregano, basil, garlic bread. it’s after 12 o’clock and i still can’t sleep. rich food does that to me sometimes. i forget that i don’t have a gallbladder anymore.

my feet are cold so i get up and put socks on. better. but i am still restless.

i get up and get a rosary. my big boy’s padre pio rosary. it is so beautiful and he is not here so it makes me think of him. i’ve yet to stay awake in bed and pray whole rosary without falling asleep. the familiar prayers always lull me to sleep. but wait. fingering the rosary i am reminded of a crack on one of my fingers. raw from doing so many dishes without gloves maybe i need to put some neosporin and a band-aid on. raw and chapped fingers sure hurt.

no. really it is my heart that hurts. from the heated exchange of words between me and my littlest son this evening.

“if i had a million dollars i’d buy a new mama”, he tells me fresh out of a warm bath. he’s covered in  a soft. green towel. feet planted on a clean white rug. his wet curls glistening as little drops of water hang delicately from the tips.

little drops of water begin to form in my eyes. my vision becomes blurry. i am too tired for this. i am crying.

how dare he.

now i am seeing red.

what hurtful words.

“i’d buy diego’s mama.” (my super sweet, but waaaay too over-indulgent sister-in-law).

angry. i dress him because it’s cold. i don’t want to but i clip his fingernails. clean out his ears and blow dry his hair. then i send him to bed without love. no kisses. no good-nite. the sun went down on my anger.

the middles, my pet name for my 10 and 12-year-old, try to figure out why he said it. at first i don’t really care why. what’s done is done.

a little later we figure it is because i didn’t let him play xbox today.

i had my reasons. that book i am reading on boys being one of them. a chapter on electronic matters really bothered me as i pondered all of the “noise” children today are bombarded with. ipods. t.v. video games. etc. and like a naughty child i know i’ve let some things slip.

i haven’t been as vigilant as i once was. part of it is because 3 out of 4 of my kids are 10 and over. the bigger they get the louder they are. and the tug of the world is so strong. and sometimes i want a break too. and, well, frankly those are just excuses for my own poor judgement.

and then there was this: that mindless interaction with an electronic box meant enough to my 5 year-old that he would say something so hurtful to me.

yet how many times have i done the same thing. sshhh! i am checking emails. or looking at blogs. or reading the news.

how many times do i let interaction with an electronic box interfere with the ones i love?

managing time online is such a tricky thing.

i rarely watch t.v. i don’t facebook or twitter. i try to be so careful.

so i retreated to a quiet spot on the couch and after some meditative prayer God spoke to me the way He usually does. very simply. yet oh so clearly.

“take courage! do not be afraid!” especially cherish firm trust in God’s love…..God’s grace awaits you, admonishing you incessantly to keep up a courageous spirit about your standing with Him…..if one be only submissive to the Divine guidance…..Fr. Tauler ~1361~magnificat  meditation of the day, today, January 6, 2010.

i usually read this in the morning. but i was too busy. but if i had it wouldn’t have meant the same to me as it did tonight.

when my heart was restless.

so i surrender. and i am off to bed. to rest in HIM Who did not send me away without love.

i’ll deal with that naughty boy tomorrow. when i am stronger.

and maybe i’ll give him just a little kiss.

raising children today really is a battle ladies. and we so need to remember to put on the armor of GOD.

ps. the words on the back of the crucifix of that rosary i mentioned: Behold this heart which has so loved men/Father forgive them. 

those words are ringing in my ears……