sink or swim?

i feel a lot like that little frog.

i wait for someone to wind me up. and then i swim. but the minute i am left to my own devices, i sink.

until someone winds me up again…..

it happens during an impatient. flustered. mama moment.

i raise my voice. does he really need to eat all. day. long.? is he truly hungry or just fidgety? is fidgety even a word? if he was in a classroom setting he’d surely be diagnosed as ADD.

then he gives me a mayonaisey kiss. “i love you, mama.” and he sticks that post it note on my breast. close to my heart. i pause to read it.

holy. it says holy. “why did you write that?” i ask.

“because you are,” he says. confidently.

i don’t even know how he knew how to spell it.

and even though i am not. it means the world to me that during this small window of time. he thinks i am.

i struggle to get through these first few days of school with a very heavy heart. my grandma (my mom’s mom), suffered a stroke saturday morning.

severe enough to go to the hospital. severe enough to alter her speech and limit the use of her right hand.

this is not new by any means.

this starting a new school year with family tragedies and or difficulties staring me square in the face.

i’ve done this many times before.

so maybe i’ll just have to settle for sink and swim.

as long as Someone keeps winding me up now and again…. 

what doth anxiety about the future bring thee, but only sorrow upon sorrow? sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. it is vain and useless to conceive either grief or joy for future things, which perhaps shall never come to pass. but it is the nature of man to be deluded with such imaginations; and it is the sign of a soul as yet weak to be so easily drawn away by the suggestion of the enemy. for he careth not whether it be with things true or false that he abuseth and deceiveth thee; whether he overthrow thee with  the love of things present or with the fear of things to come. let not therefore thy heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. believe thou in ME, and trust in MY mercy.”

 (III. 30)~from the Imitation of Christ on worry.

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10 thoughts on “sink or swim?

  1. Swim, baby, swim. Prayers for grandma.

  2. You can float along on prayer for a little while, if you need to, Regan. But, those littles tend to wind us up and really get us swimming at least once a day!

    We are closer to the start of school & I don’t feel ready, either. Maybe I could just push back the date??… NO.

    Prayers offered for your grandma.

  3. I LUV the analogies and insights and I will pray for your Grandma, sorry.

    I too am worrying, before I’ve even started, that this year I will feel choppy seas around me navigating 10th grade and 3 other students. I think I need to life vest myself with more prayer and sacraments, thanks for helping me think about that.


  4. oh regan. i’ll pray for your grandma and you and your family.

    is this the same grandma? or on the other side?

    oh the trials of fidgety widgety boys! at least you have frogs and water for his distraction!

  5. Prayers for your grandma, Regan. I got a little catch in my throat when I read what your son wrote on the note! Peace

  6. Great post. I have a baby boy (my first boy)…fidgety…I hope I can endure it. Kids, as wonderful as they are, are so weird. 🙂

    I am not yet officially a homeschooling mother, but one day I may be. I admire you for doing such work in the midst of life. In the midst of the hard stuff and the joys of every day.


    PS- I randomly discoverd your blog on the Catholic Mothers Online Blog Roll. I liked the creative title and then was snagged by the beautiful pictures. Thanks for the veiw of your every day in your pictures and words.

  7. Peace be with you today, Regan. Don’t worry about sinking or swiming – float. Have you ever read “He Leadeth Me” by Fr. Walter Ciszek? Priest taken prisoner by KGB, 5 yrs solitary in Moscow, 15 years hard labor in gulag. He writes beautifully about abandonment and trust. This quote came to my mind when I read your post.
    “He (God) was asking a complete gift of self, nothing held back. It demanded absolute faith: faith in God’s existence, in his providence, in His concern for the minutest detail, in His power to sustain me, and in His love protecting me. It meant losing the last hidden doubt, the ultimate fear that God will not be there to bear you up. It was something like that awful eternity between anxiety and belief when a child first leans back and lets go of all support whatever – only to find that the water truly holds him up and he can float motionless and totally relaxed.” pg 77. Peace.

  8. Chrisitne on said:

    Thinking of you and your family.

    You are a floater. Always have been.

    You are holy…I love your blog.

  9. Oh, Regan…prayers for your grandma.
    Love your boy…”holy”. Ah, that all our children may see us so! That he sees this in you is something…something good. Peace to you…may you “float” through the waves, over the breakers and find calm waters…

  10. Sarah Oldham on said:

    *sigh* well, dearie, you know my anxiety . . . perfect quote from the Bible. I will pray for you granny – and you. Getting started is half the battle, yeah? Just dive in, sweetie and swim! You’ll be fine – count your blessings esp. when you feel anxious (that’s what my doc told me to do and, well, it works!).
    Love, hugs and aloha,

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