a sentimental journey

finding a thoughtful spot in a house full of people isn’t easy.

and yesterday i really needed to think about nothing. everything.

like how my days as of late are delicately balanced between taking care of all of the needs of the vibrant young people here and visiting a fragile little woman who is very near the end of her life.

my grandmother.

a woman who has sadly lost her words.

when all i seem to have are words.

floating through my head day and nite.

in the form of thoughts. dreams. sighs.

mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.

and yet i can’t really seem to find the right order for them either.

hence my absence for the past *gasp* 6 days.

i’ve changed this post title 4 times.

forgive me for rambling.

being so close to death does strange things to a person.

i’ve seen the numbers on the machines go up and down. beeping loudly. annoyingly.

i’ve felt her grip. as she struggles with understanding this process that is happening to her body.

that knowing . gnawing. grip that one has when the sands of time are running out.

refreshed. i return home and ferociously grip the ones that i hold so dear.

putting my own needs aside. i can paint my toenails another day.

that’s what flats are for, right?

they need me.

behold the handmaid of the Lord.

and so on tired. bended knee i fold clean towels. 8 hail marys in one load of towels. i walk to the bathroom to put them away. that’s another. and out again. that is the tenth.

be it done unto me according to THY word.

i say that at least a few times a week.

but stubbornly the words don’t always process very well.

and frankly, His will scares me sometimes.

eyes of mercy….

i am ever so grateful to have an intercessor who was a mother too.

a mother who had a sword pierce her heart.

a heart that beat solely for HIM.

do i dare expect anything different or easier for myself?

a poor. banished child of eve.

life. sweetness. hope.

things aren’t so bad.

the leaves are falling. a store clerk gave me 4 old metal baskets(which i have been needing so badly to organize my craft supplies). i found 3 hardcover nancy drew books and 2 vintage quilt tops at a yard sale.

in fact, things are good.

as always, i am just being overly sentimental.

(so i am off to change that title one more time…and scrounge up something pitiful to feed my hungry children)

really, all i do is cook.

and all they do is eat.

this should’ve been a cooking blog.

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10 thoughts on “a sentimental journey

  1. I love your writing even more than I love your photographs…

  2. So sorry for you…but I’m glad you can be with your grandmother, even if just to pray.

    Keep up those Hail Marys…they keep us going don’t they? “Mother!” we cry out. She is there, just stop and feel her presence. My thoughts will be with you today.

  3. ah regan. prayers for you and your grandmother.

    (and congrats on the fun yard sale finds!)

  4. Chrisitne on said:

    Loved your post. Felt like I was praying, folding, cleaning and cooking right along with you.
    and along with Our Lady.

    Having a baby again I nurse her and always think of Our Lady and her love for Baby Jesus. I look at my 7yr old son…Our Lady loved Our Lord at 7…..now I wonder how Our Lord was at 14??? Cause teenagers are wonderful yet..well..they are teens.

    sands of time.

    This is our time..our family..our faith.

    Praying to St. Joseph today for a holy and peaceful passing for your gramma. Tears of hope and tears of sadness as you will miss her.

    nice find…love wire baskets!

  5. Regan, When I read your posts, I often find myself breathing more slowly… I start to feel a little quieter and more peaceful. Prayers for your grandmother and for your family. +JMJ+

  6. Praying … and understanding the distance between posts. P.S. I have no idea how to become ‘unscattered’. It just happens when I’m not paying attention and then I’m right back to scattered.

  7. Sarah Oldham on said:

    What annita said.
    Plus, you know and you are doing what needs to be done. Take time. Let it sift you, but not shake you. I think, though I may be wrong, that it is much easier to be the one passing on . . . it is terrible to face a loved ones journey to the beyond, but . . . then, only because we will miss them so terribly and, also, we must see that we, too, will make this journey one day. And, thank God, we do not know when that will be. Living is better when we keep our death in mind – because it’s purpose is to keep us focused on Eternity. Part of eternity is here, on this Earth, to live and love and show others a bit of Heaven NOW so they desire it so much they live for Eternity . . . and thus, pass on through their example, a piece of Heaven . . . God really does have a plan for us! Jeremiah 29:11. The plan is to love and serve Him here so we can be with Him there for all eternity. And, that HOPE is what keeps me JOYFUL – for we may once again meet.
    Prayers for you and Aloha my dear, sweet, Regan.

  8. Dear Regan…dear Regan.

    Nothing clears our vision so well as grief. Even through our tears the Lord allows us to see things as they really are…cherish the moments and memories…know that you’re in my prayers. May God bless you…

  9. oh regan! i’ve been so…. gone! and all you’re going through, well, it makes me realize how life has been happening right along w/all my friends afar!

    Please know that you are in my prayers and of course, your dear grandmother!!

  10. what a beautifully poignant post. I’m here from Faith Filled Days, which took me to patch o dirt farm — and I saw your blog on her side bar. I should be doing more productive things, but I’m happy to have found you. you are a writer and a beautiful wonderful mother and granddaughter and person. I shall be back for more. bless you.

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