of bairns, barns and secrets
the word bairn used to come up a lot in stories i read when i was younger. i didn’t like the word. it didn’t roll off of my tongue very easily. not that i read out-loud to myself but the tongue inside-my-brain so to speak.
but now that i have a whole batch of bairns, i like it.
so anyway, the bairns have been taking up every moment of my life these days. and it seems like the more i give the more they take and if they see me, even if for one minute, sitting with a brightly lit screen pointing towards my face, and they think i might possibly be enjoying myself, they come. they pile. they laugh. they fight. they want this or that. they need to go here or there. and i cannot form a single intelligible thought. on the tongue inside my brain.
speaking of bairns…do your boys leave the door open every time they go outside? because last night when i was cooking sunday dinner and daddy was playing dodge ball with said bairns outside, every.single. time. one of my male children came inside and went outside again. they left the door open! and i heard the girl say: “geesh! so and so, were you raised in a barn?”
and then it occured to me, our house is indeed quite barn-like.
or as my dad calls it: the asylum.
and he really means that in the sweetest way.
he just calls it that because quite often when he telephones me there are screams and noises and general goings-on in the background that might make it sound like we are indeed running some sort of an asylum here.
i just realized yesterday that march was a blur. my anniversary came and went. and i had some thoughts about marriage. a la von hildebrand. but then i forgot to post them. and this morning. as i lay in bed. with the baby’s warm breath on my back. the cold morning waiting for me to get up. i started thinking again…
about how that husband of mine, already up. reminded me of a bookend and how we are like two bookends of a very full library shelf. with all sorts of wonderful stories crammed between us. (uh-oh, the cursor is blinking at me like what next? and i don’t even know where i was going with all this). love perhaps? and greatness. fullness and wonderfulness.
stemming possibly from that gospel reading yesterday: the one where Jesus says: before abraham was I AM. giving me chills and scattering me all at once.
i start thinking all of these strange deep things that don’t make sense to anyone but me.
and then i have trouble finding the right words because…well, because the baby turned seven last week and now he’s getting ready to make his first Holy Communion. the biggest boy is gone for a week at another fire academy/thing-a-ma-bobber. the middle boy is playin’ the blues on the guitar. the girl is turning 12 soon and after reading this post. i had a revelation suddenly and realized that i am not the crazy one.
at least most of the time.
and then, well, then…. there is the secret of the big girl.
i have shared this with a few of my closest friends that my husband has a daughter. born before we were married. long. long. ago. who recently came to live with us during this oh. so. tumultuous time in her life (almost 18. remember those days?) adding a highschool senior to my roster. another female to deal with. and love. but at this point of boyfriends. and strong wills and sagas. its more dealing than anything. for her. and for me.
with God’s grace. we are finding things to laugh about.
and there is love here.
but i mean, three teenagers? really?
so there you have it… my heart is just swelling from all sorts of stuff.
and in pulling away from HIS fullness i easily get swept away by my own emotions.
“but such is precisely the value of the trial; it is to the extreme edge of faith that the soul has to be pushed. the life of faith, says caussade, is nothing else than a perpetual pursuit of God through everything that disguises, disfigures, destroys, and if we may use the word, annihilates Him. the case cannot be expressed more strongly than that. in a world of apparent lunacy and false purpose, the soul has to cling to the assurance that Christ has triumphed over material things and that the only reality is serving HIM in spirit and in truth.”
~How to Find God and discover your true self in the process!
there are probably many reasons why that gentle mama love i so easily felt for my babies flies out the window the minute a conflict arises. it could be hormonal. it could be just a phase.
or i really could be as mean as my kids think i am.
although i never imagined i’d be so edgy and combatitive. it’s just not in my nature.
so in this short period of stepping back (retreating with Fr. Bill Casey). reclaiming our lent. and sort of trying to re-connect with all of the inhabitants of this barn…i had no epiphanies from the Great I AM.
just a few small miracles and some gentle reminders to keep fighting the good fight.
because folks, it is a fight.
and our only hope lies in the HOLY EUCHARIST.
there is REAL strength in HIS Presence.
and that is enough for me.
crazy old me….
who is turning 35 this week….
am i really turning 35 this week?
april will be a blur. it already promises to be.
may and june too.
hope i can find a second wind to keep up with this space…i really miss it here.