home again.

friday night the big boy came home. i should’ve posted that sooner, i know. but i’ve been so exhausted. and sLeep deprived. having a naughty teenager is Like having a newborn. onLy not nearLy as thriLLing…

today was better. which is saying a Lot for a monday.

i am trying my hardest to focus on good things. pretty things. positive things. Like LittLe boys who Like to eat their snack out in the tree in the backyard and a certain girL who is rockin’ some mint coLored toenail poLish…toes stiLL so cute i’d Like to eat them!!!

we are experiencing some gLoomy weather  which does not heLp my psyche…

but….apriL showers bring may fLowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish i had some pictures to share, but i have been kinda Lazy in that department, taking mostLy pictures in this spot. it is way too much fun.

weLL, i am off to bed, friends. just had to say thank you for aLL your prayers, wise words and sweet thoughts. i know we are not out of the woods yet with this kid…i won’t every stop worrying about my kiddos. it’s what i do. i don’t know how to do anything eLse. and it doesn’t mean i don’t have faith in a GOD Who is bigger than aLL of this…it just means i am smaLL.

but i am smart enough to Leave everything in HIS hands. because that, too, is what i do….

that and wrap him in the mantLe of our bLessed mother…the safest spot i know for a young, vuLnerabLe man-chiLd…something sort of simiLar to the way i’d snuggLe him when he was a baby…

 

{day 5 *crickets*, and me….}

crickets is that sound you hear when there’s nothing to hear….

no news is good news?

maybe so.

except the other day i did hear or rather see…..

it was the day i toLd you that the big boy was gone….

and then out of the blue he texted me. because in this society of texting and what-nots it was easier for him to do this ’cause he knows not onLy is this mama’s heart  broken… but she’s mad!!!

oh the daddy is mad too, but when both the daddy and the mama are mad, the chiLdren aLways go to the mama….

they expect mama to be sweeter. and more forgiving. and Less harsh.

and this mama usuaLLy is aLL those things and more.

but……there comes a time in everyone’s Life when they have to(shouLd) grow up. and  suffering the consequences of poor choices made is just a smaLL part of what being an aduLt is aLL about….

i know. i know. try teLLing that to this generation which seems OBSESSED with the idea of perpetuaL adoLesence coupLed with LICENSE to do whatever feeLs good: young, wiLd and free!!!….{this is the part where i am hearing myseLf and not the crickets}.

but i don’t necessariLy Like what i am saying.

maybe i want you to teLL me that we shouLd open the doors, wide…. cook the fattened caLf and embrace our prodigaL son….but we have done this severaL times to no avaiL. and in the end we onLy Look fooLish, possibLy setting a precedent for the 3 pairs of eyes that are watching how we deaL with this “situation”. heck, they are probably even taking notes, you know how kids are….

so aside from the crickets. and aside from the sound of my own voice….i am waiting to hear what wisdom sounds Like….

which thus far has been pretty derned quiet…..

*sigh*

{i didn’t pray enough}

during Lent one day as  i was praying the stations of the cross, i meditated on Jesus speaking to the women of JerusaLem and His words struck me Like a reed. they struck me Like a reed because at that moment, which had to be one of His most painfuL because not onLy was He physically tired. bLoodied. bruised. faLLen…the weight of our sins coupLed with the weight of the cross was aLmost too much for even the Son of God to bear…and YET….and yet….He impLores the women to weep not for HIM…to weep instead for themseLves and for their chiLdren…

this afternoon as i foLded Laundry i did just that.

i cried because there is a piLe of cLothes that isn’t being cLaimed….there is a piLe of cLothes someone is not going to come and get, and take up to his room because he is not here….

this piLe of cLothes beLongs to my biggest boy. who after numerous chances. upon numerous chances. refuses to keep curfew and foLLow a few simpLe ruLes.

and this afternoon whiLe my sister-in-Law texted me a how-are-you-doing text {because she knows me too weLL} i found great peace in being “guiLt-free”. for 18+ years i have given that boy every good thing i knew how….the homemade birthday cakes and haLLoween costumes. stories and trips to the park, beach, etc. baseball and basketball seasons. piano and guitar Lessons. summer camps. pancakes with siLLY faces. green eggs and ham. icecream sundaes for dinner and shadow puppets….but then it donned on me….after….after i cLimbed off my pedestaL….and set my haLo down….

there was one thing maybe i didn’t do….maybe i didn’t pray enough.

when  a woman is deep in the trenches of motherhood it’s hard to pray.

when one is deep in the homeschooLing-mother trenches it’s even harder to pray.

i raised my first 3 kids with Little to no internet connection *gasp* {no bLogs. facebook. pinterest. twittering. etc.}  there weren’t a Lot of distractions. it was REAL. it was raw. it was bLoody, heavy and faLLen….and in retrospect….which is aLmost aLways 20/20….there are pLenty of things i didn’t do weLL…

but i am not posting this to get sympathy {aLthough there is nothing quite Like a famiLy catastrophe to get me writing again}….

i am posting this to say: weep and pray for yourseLves and your chiLdren.

we benefit from that weeping.

they benefit from that weeping.

read: sts. monica and augustine.

Our Lord, in HIS bLoodiest hour demands that we do so…..

and doing it whiLe you’re foLding the Laundry gets you credit too….that’s another thing i’ve Learned aLong the way…

“the ONLY thing that matters in Life is doing the wiLL of God…once you are doing the wiLL of God, then everything matters. But apart from the accepted wiLL of God, nothing has any Lasting reaLity. So if God wiLLs that you shouLd be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibLy do…..You wiLL be tempted to say that it is impossibLe to serve God whiLe worrying about the upkeep of a house; you wiLL teLL me that you get so irritabLe that you cannot see this principLe of substituting your present duty for the envied prayer time; you wiLL point out your inabiLity to direct your intention toward God when you are so exhausted that you cannot think….but none of these things disquaLifies….it can onLy be repeated that your WHOLE business is STILL to Look for God in the midst of aLL this…… ~HoLiness for Housewives

good-bye friends…i’m off to LOOK for Him…

{the spring of things}

Lent must be over. i am laying in bed with a laptop, well, on my lap, a plate of strawberries and some of this at my right side and to my left my ipod sits, should i get any moves on words with friends, my newest obsession.  {and it only became an obsession-i must add-while i was sick for over a month with a nasty upper respiratory infection-which left me pretty much with zero energy-stranded in the crook of the couch-which oddly, is not where i really like to be….}

what would we do without our little indulgences, eh?

i wish i could say i’ve been up to a whole slew of interesting things. but i come to this space empty….

winter was long. cold. and harsh to me. mentally. physically. and emotionally.

my body and soul deeply experienced winter like never before.

maybe it’s because my big boy turned 18 and the baby turned 8.

the baby who just asked me not to call him “moomie” or “baby” anymore.

but alas! spring is here. and like the sweet budding, blossoming trees, i feel a change coming….

i’ve got some sewing projects that are almost ready to be shared.

yes, i think i like this getting into the spring of things….even if it’s bit by bit….

there is a storm outside {literally}. april is so unpredictable. like me.

but it’s my month! my birthday is in 2 days! this mama will be 36 years young!

my girl took this picture of me on easter. i don’t know why my eyeliner looks cleopatra-ish. she did some funky editing thing i’m sure.

and i might’ve requested some light airbrushing on my “age spots”. have you noticed when you are young they are called “freckles” but when you get older suddenly they are “age spots”?

ew. i don’ t like that.

i do like this mama hummingbird though. she has a nest in our big elm tree. we are keeping our eye out for signs of babies, but with the crazy weather i’m not sure how well those babies are faring. only time will tell….

i’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally looking forward to finding my niche here again. i’ve missed it so.

but only time will tell that too….

happy easter-ing, friends.

xo.