{i didn’t pray enough}

during Lent one day as  i was praying the stations of the cross, i meditated on Jesus speaking to the women of JerusaLem and His words struck me Like a reed. they struck me Like a reed because at that moment, which had to be one of His most painfuL because not onLy was He physically tired. bLoodied. bruised. faLLen…the weight of our sins coupLed with the weight of the cross was aLmost too much for even the Son of God to bear…and YET….and yet….He impLores the women to weep not for HIM…to weep instead for themseLves and for their chiLdren…

this afternoon as i foLded Laundry i did just that.

i cried because there is a piLe of cLothes that isn’t being cLaimed….there is a piLe of cLothes someone is not going to come and get, and take up to his room because he is not here….

this piLe of cLothes beLongs to my biggest boy. who after numerous chances. upon numerous chances. refuses to keep curfew and foLLow a few simpLe ruLes.

and this afternoon whiLe my sister-in-Law texted me a how-are-you-doing text {because she knows me too weLL} i found great peace in being “guiLt-free”. for 18+ years i have given that boy every good thing i knew how….the homemade birthday cakes and haLLoween costumes. stories and trips to the park, beach, etc. baseball and basketball seasons. piano and guitar Lessons. summer camps. pancakes with siLLY faces. green eggs and ham. icecream sundaes for dinner and shadow puppets….but then it donned on me….after….after i cLimbed off my pedestaL….and set my haLo down….

there was one thing maybe i didn’t do….maybe i didn’t pray enough.

when  a woman is deep in the trenches of motherhood it’s hard to pray.

when one is deep in the homeschooLing-mother trenches it’s even harder to pray.

i raised my first 3 kids with Little to no internet connection *gasp* {no bLogs. facebook. pinterest. twittering. etc.}  there weren’t a Lot of distractions. it was REAL. it was raw. it was bLoody, heavy and faLLen….and in retrospect….which is aLmost aLways 20/20….there are pLenty of things i didn’t do weLL…

but i am not posting this to get sympathy {aLthough there is nothing quite Like a famiLy catastrophe to get me writing again}….

i am posting this to say: weep and pray for yourseLves and your chiLdren.

we benefit from that weeping.

they benefit from that weeping.

read: sts. monica and augustine.

Our Lord, in HIS bLoodiest hour demands that we do so…..

and doing it whiLe you’re foLding the Laundry gets you credit too….that’s another thing i’ve Learned aLong the way…

“the ONLY thing that matters in Life is doing the wiLL of God…once you are doing the wiLL of God, then everything matters. But apart from the accepted wiLL of God, nothing has any Lasting reaLity. So if God wiLLs that you shouLd be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibLy do…..You wiLL be tempted to say that it is impossibLe to serve God whiLe worrying about the upkeep of a house; you wiLL teLL me that you get so irritabLe that you cannot see this principLe of substituting your present duty for the envied prayer time; you wiLL point out your inabiLity to direct your intention toward God when you are so exhausted that you cannot think….but none of these things disquaLifies….it can onLy be repeated that your WHOLE business is STILL to Look for God in the midst of aLL this…… ~HoLiness for Housewives

good-bye friends…i’m off to LOOK for Him…

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9 thoughts on “{i didn’t pray enough}

  1. I can only say I am so sorry. And I will pray.

  2. I’m sorry and I will pray for him too. That is the good thing about blogging, this whole world of people, it shows us connected, by prayer, by God. THAT is something you didn’t have in those early years either.

    I always (ALWAYS) worry about not praying enough for them too. There always seems like a ton of things to pray for and about. I always remind myself, that in this time of my life, sometimes my work is my prayer for them. Offered for their souls. My husband told me recently that about a year ago, he started praying a decade for each child and me on his way to work. This from a man who I’ve struggled with to pray a family rosary on a regular basis!! God is good.

    Praying for you ….and him.

    • Nothing we can do is ever ‘enough’. But His grace is sufficient for you, and your son. And the Holy Spirit hears your wordless groans and intercedes for you.
      I, too, am sorry and will pray!

  3. nora ballin on said:

    Sometimes I feel so bad that I don’t have beautiful word like you do to tell you how wonderful you are but I tell you I love you and that comes from my heart!

  4. Dear Regan, sometimes we just have to let them go to the mantle of our Mother Mary. Sometimes I don’t think my small and intermitent prayers are amounting to much, but maybe it’s just that I’ll have to wait years (decades!) to see their action. I could have written something very similar over the past few months, but just haven’t been up to it. That, and I don’t really want to remember! Thanks to my parents, there have been two weeks of reprieve from dealing with the antics of my oldest. There has been every range of emotion, though. I have faith that the younger kids will not be as difficult and rebellious…

    Prayers to you and your S1.

  5. annita on said:

    Regan, As you know, we have seven children (3 years to 25 years). Believe me, being a mama can be humbling. You can try to do everything right and maybe even feel a tad proud as a homeschooling mama whose kids know their Catholic faith inside and out… And, then, they do something… something that turns your world upside down… like I said, humbling. Our Lady and St. Monica have heard this mama’s prayers (as well as my tears) often. You have my heartfelt prayers, dear friend! +JMJ+

  6. Dear Regan; I can feel your deep love in your mama’s heart for your son, and know this same emotion myself quite well. I agree with Kimberlee, that the Holy Spirit not only hears our parental groans, he also sends our children’s guardian angels to wrap themselves around them for a hedge of protection when choosing to walk on a path that pains us. I am praying for you, sending my prayers to blend with your own personal intentions. St. Monica ~ pray for us.

  7. barbara on said:

    Still thinking about you…

  8. Ahh..I’ll pray for sure. For him. and you. and the rest of your family. But you do know that there is no “right amount of prayer?” You know that sometimes some people just learn better the hard way? That there are no guarantees? That all the good things you knew how to do and did, will be enough? Will be the foundation? You know that, right?

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