*tsk*tsk*

i know i said i’d be here more…and i hate it that i haven’t kept my word…

but i get distracted so easiLy…i am too busy noticing things Like the way the sun Looks when it’s coming through the window in my front room….

fooLing around with a new Lense….

taking baby beLLy pictures….aren’t they beautifuL??? so vintage and soft Looking….sigh. baby beLLies are so LoveLy….

finishing up some handmades…

the girL quiLt….

aLL done.

stitched up with Lots of Love…

and of course i can’t forget this guy….

my scrabbLe buddy.

he pretty much needs to be fed constantLy…

but he’s so entertaining…

and then he has these “requests”….as if i can “make” anything…

but i try anyway…

so i have not dropped off the pLanet friends…i am onLy caught up in the swirLing tornado that is MY Life…bLessed. crazy. sad. frustrating. funny. beautifuL and very distracting…(in a good way).

xo.

a boston taxi??

“i love your blog, if you need a boston taxi, call me!”

you gotta love those spam comments…but when their numbers start reaching great heights you know it’s time to come and clean out the old blog…they are a bit like cobwebs…which actually very recently caused a bout of laughter in my life during the rosary before my grandmother’s funeral…yes, my grammie passed away 2 weeks ago…and there was a long, silky translucent web hanging over the head of one of my mom’s friends as we said our hail mary’s…of course the baby, being the baby, has a rather loud voice when it comes to such things…and couldn’t restrain himself from saying rather loudly “there is a COBWEB hanging from the ceiling!!” thank you, baby. seen and noted.

 

that baby. he drives me crazy. but he is a joy.

he is still one of my favorite faces to photograph.

and as i’ve sort of been moving towards this photography business thing…i like to keep looking at this face…so that my priorities remain focused on what’s important.

mamas have all sorts of mama dreams. for their children. for their marriages. for their lives. but when a mama has a dream for herself it can get lost. it can seem selfish. especially when *gasp* there are cobwebs hanging from the ceiling…

but as i sit here writing this…on the FIRST day of a NEW year…in a hotel room…6 hours away from home….while we patiently wait now for my dad’s mama to pass away….things get shifted around inside head and heart….life is short. life is but a shadow. and as the matriarchs from both sides of my family fade away into eternity i feel their strength. i feel their faith.

and i am excited about a lot of things again. like knitting. and my very own homemade granola.

and not worrying about the wonky format of this post…..

xoxoxox. friends. praying and wishing you the best today because it’s new year’s and always…just because.

i miss u too

dear bloggy friends.

i guess i lied when i said i was going to be here more often.

but then again when the walls came tumbling down i had to prioritize things around here a bit differently than i expected. literally. the walls in this 101+ years old house were falling down in places. which meant some demolition. and plasterers. and re-plastering. and texturing. and painting. and moving the furniture, beds, etc. every single morning so they could work and at night again so we could sleep.

see….not very exciting to blog about huh?

 

i really don’t have a lot to “show” for what i’ve been up to.

i’ve been working on being a better mama and wife.

more present and prayerfully aware of what everyone’s needs are. and they do change so often. we are a fickle lot.

trying to pray that rosary every. single. day. wrapping all my loved ones in the mantle of our lady.

is there really any safer place in this uncertain upside down world?

working on my marriage. yes, it needs work. sitting down with my husband and looking into his eyes when he comes home from a long day at work. listening to his concerns and cares. feeding him a good, solid meal. taking time to connect and talk and lay my head in the crook of his neck while we talk like lovers do…this is important stuff.

taking the time to do my hair and make up so that when said husband gets home, there is something besides “chaos” for him to look “at”.

and that goes for the house too. clearing the clutter. (he does hate clutter). and at this point so do i (excepting school papers, messes, those are sort of inevitable).

simplifying the things i can.

and simply leaving the rest to God.

and then there is the whole “trying to lose weight and get healthy” thing i’ve been tied up with. trying to eat gluten free most of the time. yet not “starve” my husband (or the boys for that matter) whose thoughts sort of go like this on a cold night (or rather any night): “honey, you really need to buy some hot cocoa with marshmallows and cinnamon graham crackers….”  while i am still reminiscing about the snickers he snuck into bed the night before. pleading with me to take just. one. bite.

without going into too much detail i have found that a lot, if not ALL of my depression, anxiety, irregular periods, infertility, weight gain, etc. etc. (health problems) is due to *gasp* my diet. (the fact that i LOVE food. and LOVE to cook does not help much either) so evaluating my relationship with food and eating has been an interesting, albeit time-consuming, tiring, difficult and expensive journey.

buuuuuuuut…..my LIFE depends upon it. so. it HAS to be done. and besides (me) i worry about my kids too…so making sure they are eating healthy and getting their vitamins and veggies. drinking disgusting green shakes for breakfast instead of plates filled with jelly topped scones and bacon + eggs on the side….the look on their faces really is priceless each morning. “don’t put spinach in mine.” “i hate coconut milk.” “that new shake powder you bought is disgusting.” are some of the things which would be overheard if you had your ear pressed to the outside of my kitchen door on most days of the week excepting saturdays and sundays. (i’m not so strict then!)

i finally finished my mother’s birthday scarf. (started sometime last year).

my mother, the artist. i can’t believe it has almost been one year since her accident. my how the time does fly….

i’ve been dillydallying with sepia tones a lot lately. it’s funny how even with all of the technological advancements in digital photography/editing i find that the lack of color in certain pictures to be so peaceful.

 color can be so noisy…..unless you are a fall tree in crowning glory, of course…

naptimes with a book resting on your chest….definitely a black and white moment. (this girl child is a book thief. we are immensely enjoying shirley jackson right now. short stories and spooky stories. spine chilling eerie written so craftily . but because we are “sharing” the book she often reads ahead of me and will text me little “hints”.  it’s driving me nuts because she has more time to read than i do!)

so i promise not to cram too much more into this post.

it is late and i have a list a mile long for the morning.

it was good to check in.

let’s do this again soon.

 

 

her heart just wasn’t in it…

“mrs. wilcox did her best with algebra, but her heart just wasn’t in it…”

that’s me these days…i am mrs. wilcox.

my heart is not feelin’ the algebra…

in fact my heart is not “in” a lot of things.

newsflash: my children are driving me nuts. they don’t wanna listen. they don’t wanna do school. they bicker. bicker. bicker. they don’t wanna pray. my house is constantly messy and noisy. i am constantly grading papers and tidying messes.

and it all makes me not wanna be the mama.

it makes me wanna run far. far. away. take a three hour nap. read a pile of good literature and have someone bring me copious amounts of coffee and delicious foods…possibly for days…

“without the suffering Mary, mothers who feel the sting of sorrow over their children would have lacked a model. mothers should not forget the trials and loneliness of this Mother during the public life of her Son, her anguish on Calvary, and those long years after the Ascension in which she waited to join Him in heaven. suffering and anguish will surely come to Catholic mothers because of their sons. let mothers look to and pray to the Mother of Sorrows, the Queen of the Afflicted.”

her heart was in it.

and so every. single. morning. i start my day with: i believe….

it’s like my own little magnificat. my weak little soul’s way of magnifying the Lord…

and then the good things shift into focus: a little stamp collection started by the baby, with some help from sissy. a kitty in the kitchen. a successful fractions lesson with scones.

successful pumpkin spice scones that taste so very sweet and yummy!

that nature walk the other day with the baby and my dad. we looked at trees and leaves. my dad’s eyes were as blue as the fall sky. and the baby’s hair had a golden red glow like mine!

oh, yes. i’ve missed this space. i miss documenting my life.

not for readership sake. but because every life is a story and i want my kids to know what our story was someday….

for better and for worse.

i really aim to keep up more often. it’s been too long.

i think my heart just might be in it again…..

endeavoring…

to make myself write something here.

i’ve been journaling like mad.

and putting this together. let me know what you think. i am excited. scared. nervous.

oh. and homeschooling. running a home. cooking 3 meals a day and chasing the dream of being caught up on the laundry!!!

what are you up to?

is anyone out there???  i wouldn’t blame you if you’re not…..

i’ve been a terrible bloggy friend lately.

barely even lurking.

there are only so many hours in the day….

and so much to see…

little i

i had a break down of sorts today.

i am disenchanted about a lot of things and people in my life that i have no control over.

mostly teenagers and dripping faucets.

both can be so annoying.

picking the weirdest times of the day to, well, annoy me.

i took a warm bath this morning.

perhaps that is how it began….

water can be so cleansing in many different ways.

and then i think i went back to bed.

i cried a few times.

it felt so therapeutic.

and then i had a warm cup of green tea with lemon.

no coffee for once.

i didn’t want to feel jittery and energized.

i wanted quiet, calm peace.

the kind that comes when you’ve “cried till you have no more tears left in you.”

and i did feel “as if nothing is ever going to happen again.”

i also prayed like i haven’t prayed in a while.

and really, that is what i needed.

little i. big HIM.

we do this sort of tango.

i know HE is there.

it’s passionate and intimate and beautiful.

and then there are days and days when i don’t make the time to have a good heart to heart with HIM.

and HE gets jealous.

and i, being the fallen human being that i am, tend to look at prayer as ONE MORE THING i need to do, but don’t really want to…

because i am tired and achy and stressed.

and there are dripping faucets and teenagers. and junk everywhere. and laundry. and it’s 102 degrees outside.

and i am a control freak-weak-minded-sloth.

“christianity is not easy: the great religious struggle is not fought on a spectacular battleground, but within the ordinary human heart, when every morning we awake and feel the pressures of the day crowding in on us, and we must decide what sort of immortals we wish to be.”

yeah, so i am quoting a lot of c.s. lewis.

but sometimes someone else’s words are better.

they sound better than my own pithy, pitiful jibberish.

i do detest pithy, pitiful jibberish…and speaking of such…the baby just woke up from a pouty nap he was taking on my bed…he, too, is feeling sorry for himself.

it’s so hard to be bored.

this kid wants constant entertainment.

so i guess i will do us all a favor and get off of here and go find something to do…

thanks for letting me vent, friends.

i don’t know why it is so easy for me to do it here….quietly, yet strangely outloud…in the blogosphere.

number one

and the winner is……….

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

1

Timestamp: 2011-01-31 06:17:40 UTC

Nadja:

You are like me, I think. I like to believe that my blog is something I do just for myself and my distant friends and family, but yeah, I notice the stats, and comments make me happy, and being ignored does not. Having a blog is an ongoing spiritual battle for me. I know God would likely prefer my obscurity and humility, but I just can’t quit!

Lovely bag…and I know your taste in goodies. Keeping my fingers crossed!

dear friend, i guess this proves that it doesn’t hurt to keep your fingers crossed!

you were number one after kim…

i already have your address, so i’ll be sending this out to you this week!

thank you all for playing along.

and just for the record…i don’t blog to get stats…like i said…i just noticed a decline and thought this would spice things up a bit around here…

i honestly think that this little community… the Catholic mama bloggers…is akin to a slice of heaven….

happy monday, friends!

if you need me, i’ll have my nose in a tangle of textbooks…

 

hitting publish

i do wish i was a more spontaneous blogger. i wish posts didn’t float around inside my head all. week.long…. sometimes making it as far as my journal…or a scrap envelope deep in the dark recesses of my purse….never to see the light of day here….but i am rather self-conscious.

and i don’t want to waste your time…you’ve got things to do…places to go and people to love.

and so do i!

but i noticed i lost some readership last week.

i rarely pay attention to stats. but it was noticeable.

maybe too much talk about God and tragedies makes people go away.

it scares them.

and i understand because it scares me too.

so to boost my popularity  show y’all that i am not afraid to have some fun, i am going to do a little give away.

see this lovely bag? i bought one for myself and i thought….”self, this would the perfect thing to give away (filled with a few sweet/surprise goodies btw) for valentine’s day.”

just leave a comment in this post sometime between now and sunday. i will pick a random winner and announce it monday.

i am signing off now as there has been one heck of a mini civil war here as we try to get back into a semi-normal school routine.

there just might be a secession…and it makes me tired.

they feel like it is an injustice that i ordered a whole slew of textbooks and am actually making them do work.

i feel like a charlotte mason drop out as it goes completely against my nature to resort to textbooks. 

but desperate times call for desperate measures.

for today the three teenagers sitting at the table with books, papers and half-finished plates of spaghetti eerily reminded me of a scene from the breakfast club.

ew!

not my idea at all of the happy. holy. homeschoolers we once were.

happy weekending, friends!

wishing you HIS peace.

ps. this give-away-offer is not good for members of my same household. you know who you are. and you may not enter to win. i say that with all my love.

well…

the owls are finished. this one was completely designed and sewn (mostly) by my very artistic girl. who is hogging  learning to use my sewing machine.

we’ve been devouring copious amounts of halloween candy pomegranates.

i am really surprised that all of the sugar vitamin C  hasn’t kept this terrible flu/cold bug from hitting us.

i am teetering on the edge of becoming its’ next victim.

you know how life is on the edge. your eyes are burning. no they are not. you are achy. but not too achy to play florence nightingale. you keep taking the strongest stuff in the house because you refuse to succumb!

you’d rather discuss butterfly watching.

and watercolors.

or finish rolling that ball of yarn so you can start a pair of handwarmers for yourself  for once.

but sadly, there just aren’t enough hours in the days.

i say days because it seems that lately i just can’t get my act together.

this is a season of “too many targets”, as fulton sheen says.

aiming at perfection in too many ways.

instead of THE only way that matters.

so in an effort to get through this season i am letting the winding down happen.

naturally.

beginning with ignoring my two-year blog-o-versary that just passed.

i went back to that first blog and noticed that the more things change. the more they stay the same.

briefly, the same-ness:

i was still shuffling clutter around. dealing with too much halloween candy. and thinking about the very controversial presidential election/voting issues.

the changes?

i don’t need here so much.

i am content to lurk in the blogosphere and soak up the good things.

but no longer do i compare myself to others who seem to have it together more than i.

this community is beautiful. wonderful. and i wish i’d had it when my kids were younger.

maybe i would’ve had more time?

however, not all that glitters on the internet is gold.

i don’t feel guilty anymore for lack of posts.

i am perfectly at ease just laying in bed next to warm toasty bodies instead of uploading and editing pictures into the wee hours in the morning.

i have come to terms with my gifts as well as my shortcomings and imperfections.

i am a better photographer.

a horrible knitter.

sometimes i have nothing to offer this blog.

and, well….

well, that is ok too.

case closed!

till there was you

we recently saw an outdoor production of the music man. one of our favoritest movies ever.

spell check says favoritest is not a word. i say phooey to spell check.

i love this song from the movie. but i could do without the spanish subtitles you tube has so generously provided. however, they are not to blame for the goofy look on paul’s face which makes me ponder how the beatles became so incredibly famous….i guess some things are just meant to be.

it is so good to be home. traveling long distances with my husband and children and staying in hotels and eating too much restaurant food makes me really grumpy for some reason.

i truly believe the hum of the fridge. the whirrrrr of the air conditioning and the bright lights glaring into our room also had something to do with it. but i am still not sure. and the fact of the matter is there is NO place like home. even a hot and messy one!

the bad news is my grandmama faces a double mastectomy. the cancer is bad and is spreading into her chest. and she is still undecided whether or not to go thru with the surgery at her age.

courageous and so sad at the same time.

the good news is: i was able to write down the story of how she and my grandfather met.

and i have been wanting to do that for some time.

so it is done.

and so now, on this hot august nite. i will go take my place next to my tired husband. (he always does all of the driving).  and think about the good things in life.

i remain forever the optimist, dear readers.

because the fact is: till there was you, i was more inclined to focus on the bad.

i need this place.

not all of the time.

but it helps me to clear my head. and semi-connect with other like-minded souls.

i haven’t officially announced a “break” per se. but my absence here once in a while is a good thing. it means i am doing what i am supposed to be doing. i am not overly concerned with stats or hits. oddly enough more people find me via their search for dumb blonde jokes. and although that is not really what i’d like to be remembered for i do have another good one if you’d like…