very much

geesh. i just realized how very much i used the words very much in yesterday’s post.

yet you were all so kind!!!

and then i went and changed things again….

excepting my proclivity for using the words very much…

for i very much love our weedy-sunflower “trees”. they grow multiple sunflowers. and they are so tall and colorful. and they last well into summer.

i very much love the little boy who arranged this car club gathering on my ironing board.

(i might start using the word little boy rather than baby…because, well, just because he isn’t really a baby anymore.)

 i very much love the flowers on this little plant…picked for me by the biggest boy…and how they brighten up the spot in my kitchen where i stand and wash countless dishes….because i am too lazy to load things into the dishwasher!

so, friends, what are you very much loving right now????

there

he reminded me a little of johnny tremain. with that big long gun propped on his shoulder.

is he really going to be 16 in less than a month? is he really driving me around? yes. yes, he is.

*sigh*

our hearts are restless…

too rich for my blood was that beef bourguignon and cheesy oregano, basil, garlic bread. it’s after 12 o’clock and i still can’t sleep. rich food does that to me sometimes. i forget that i don’t have a gallbladder anymore.

my feet are cold so i get up and put socks on. better. but i am still restless.

i get up and get a rosary. my big boy’s padre pio rosary. it is so beautiful and he is not here so it makes me think of him. i’ve yet to stay awake in bed and pray whole rosary without falling asleep. the familiar prayers always lull me to sleep. but wait. fingering the rosary i am reminded of a crack on one of my fingers. raw from doing so many dishes without gloves maybe i need to put some neosporin and a band-aid on. raw and chapped fingers sure hurt.

no. really it is my heart that hurts. from the heated exchange of words between me and my littlest son this evening.

“if i had a million dollars i’d buy a new mama”, he tells me fresh out of a warm bath. he’s covered in  a soft. green towel. feet planted on a clean white rug. his wet curls glistening as little drops of water hang delicately from the tips.

little drops of water begin to form in my eyes. my vision becomes blurry. i am too tired for this. i am crying.

how dare he.

now i am seeing red.

what hurtful words.

“i’d buy diego’s mama.” (my super sweet, but waaaay too over-indulgent sister-in-law).

angry. i dress him because it’s cold. i don’t want to but i clip his fingernails. clean out his ears and blow dry his hair. then i send him to bed without love. no kisses. no good-nite. the sun went down on my anger.

the middles, my pet name for my 10 and 12-year-old, try to figure out why he said it. at first i don’t really care why. what’s done is done.

a little later we figure it is because i didn’t let him play xbox today.

i had my reasons. that book i am reading on boys being one of them. a chapter on electronic matters really bothered me as i pondered all of the “noise” children today are bombarded with. ipods. t.v. video games. etc. and like a naughty child i know i’ve let some things slip.

i haven’t been as vigilant as i once was. part of it is because 3 out of 4 of my kids are 10 and over. the bigger they get the louder they are. and the tug of the world is so strong. and sometimes i want a break too. and, well, frankly those are just excuses for my own poor judgement.

and then there was this: that mindless interaction with an electronic box meant enough to my 5 year-old that he would say something so hurtful to me.

yet how many times have i done the same thing. sshhh! i am checking emails. or looking at blogs. or reading the news.

how many times do i let interaction with an electronic box interfere with the ones i love?

managing time online is such a tricky thing.

i rarely watch t.v. i don’t facebook or twitter. i try to be so careful.

so i retreated to a quiet spot on the couch and after some meditative prayer God spoke to me the way He usually does. very simply. yet oh so clearly.

“take courage! do not be afraid!” especially cherish firm trust in God’s love…..God’s grace awaits you, admonishing you incessantly to keep up a courageous spirit about your standing with Him…..if one be only submissive to the Divine guidance…..Fr. Tauler ~1361~magnificat  meditation of the day, today, January 6, 2010.

i usually read this in the morning. but i was too busy. but if i had it wouldn’t have meant the same to me as it did tonight.

when my heart was restless.

so i surrender. and i am off to bed. to rest in HIM Who did not send me away without love.

i’ll deal with that naughty boy tomorrow. when i am stronger.

and maybe i’ll give him just a little kiss.

raising children today really is a battle ladies. and we so need to remember to put on the armor of GOD.

ps. the words on the back of the crucifix of that rosary i mentioned: Behold this heart which has so loved men/Father forgive them. 

those words are ringing in my ears……

opposites

 

life is filled with them. dangerous. safe. alive. dead. beautiful. ugly. clean. dirty. finished. un-finished.

i guess how one sees things really depends on your own standards and values.

this week is absolutely opposite of last week.

we are supposed to be in recovery mode around here. you know that place where you strive to restore order. getting everyone to bed on time again. no more lazy mornings or being lax with the laundry. and definitely no more hot chocolate and cookies for breakfast.

but it hasn’t quite sunk into the children’s heads that vacation is over.

sometimes i think homeschooling is a permanent vacation.

especially since my big boys will be leaving in 3 days to this spot again therefore crushing my hopes of a return to “normal” anytime soon.

but then again what is normal anyway? i’ve yet to figure it out when it comes to homeschooling. and even my own life.

and when the opposite of normal would be abnormal, i wouldn’t really want to say that about our family.

i am currently reading this book right now which as a mother of three boys i probably should’ve read long ago. but i have to give myself a little credit. i am not a terrible boy mama. but there is always room for improvement.

and so i guess one of my main priorities right now is getting this house into some semblance of order so that i can do just that.

after all boys do make an awful lot of dirty laundry when they are out doing boy things. and then there is the issue of feeding them. but that’s a whole ‘nother post!

i’d really like to share some snippets of other things but i am slowly de-caffeineating. black tea instead of coffee. it doesn’t quite have the same effect. my body is so exhausted from i don’t know what.

order doesn’t happen all at once. i am breathing that concept in.

God didn’t even create the world in one day.

i want to just take it one day at a time.

which is the opposite of freaking out.

which is what i really feel like doing.

i will write myself into well being….

am i using “i” too much? my grandmother told me a funny story today about when she worked for the peace corps. she said that they rejected applications based on the applicants usage of the word “i”. if they used it too many times they were deemed unworthy.

so please forgive me if i have.

used i too much.

blogs can be so self-centered.

i want to be miss stacey

the other day my girl was watching anne of green gables for the umpteenth time and the part came on about anne and diana’s school days-after the raspberry cordial incident where they aren’t “allowed” to be “friends” anymore-they longingly look at each other-and then there is a brief moment where the kids are in the woods-looking at ferns-sketching-and doing stretches/exercises and i had this strange longing to be like miss stacey. so sweet and cheerful. all of my students dressed in darling knitted sweaters and crisp pinafores….

sigh. a girl can dream, can’t she?

it has been pure chaos trying to get back into the swing of things and with Christmas break right around the corner i am so tempted to give up. but it’s not so easy with geometry and biology. those kinds of subjects don’t take kindly to being cast aside for too long.

to ease the pain a bit we’ve been doing more “girl school”. i could teach a million girls like mine. she is so easy-going. bright. and excited about learning. she has learned to crochet. wash cloths for everyone we know are high on her list of priorities. she was beaming yesterday as she finished her first one. oh, and we are thoroughly enjoying reading sense and sensibility together. with no cheating. meaning neither of us gets to read ahead when the other isn’t looking.

as for the boys are just bums. smart. lazy. bums.

and the only thing i have going for me is the new xbox. christmas came early for them and i am ok with it because then the focus will be more where it should be. and besides, it is great leverage. i am amazed at the speed with which chores are getting done. and done correctly. it’s so different when they are wasting their own precious time….

living dangerously

 

 

has it really been 5 days since i last posted?

there has just been too much going on around here.

first of all this book is great. and i am not even a boy. but when you have 3 of them you end up loving boy things no matter what. in fact i like it so much that i could really see using it as a textbook for the rest of the year.

i am happy to report that this nasty flu is packing its’ things. and we are sending it on its’ way. we thank it profusely for all the snuggling. and stories. but the past few days have been spent cleaning up after it. it is such a messy and inconsiderate houseguest. leaving dishes and laundry everywhere. the bathroom was in need of serious cleaning and then there was, of course, lessons. two of my students started their rosetta stone online courses today. i am hoping that their enthusiasm isn’t limited to the desire to communicate with italian supermodels at some point. that could be another boy thing.

do you see my our little sproutlings? this is my bend the rules garden. zinnias. and sunflowers. etc. i am crossing my fingers. but seriously. it is nearly 95 degrees here still. something has to grow. well, we’ll wait and see.

someone inspired me to draw a little bit. not that my silly little sketches hold a candle to hers. because not everyone can draw. but a girl can dream, right? so i took out my pencils and drew a few things i’d like to see growing in my yard. and i felt 10 again. i really like feeling 10. i told you i was living dangerously.

happy tuesday. or wednesday. when you’re 10 you don’t pay attention to what day it is!

first fruits

are fine. unless you were hoping to harvest a deer. maybe next week, son. it’s ok. today was just the first day….and those berries are really…interesting. even though they don’t taste quite like the curried venison we’ve been hankering for….

love your mother…

so the big boys are home safe. time in the great outdoors really does them good. their sun-kissed faces were a sight for my sore eyes. they hugged me and sheepishly gave me gifts. a new pink tea cup and some blossoming green tea. i love that tea. i love tea cups. but what i love most is that even though they were far, far away, distracted by many interesting boy things. guns. bows and arrows. tomahawks. etc. they both took the time to do something special for their mama. and so it was only right that yesterday we did something special for the birthday of our heavenly mother. littlest boy, who quite often turns up his nose at glittery crafts, was very eager to make something nice for mary. the mystical rose. and he even wrote the letters all by himself. i’d planned taking pictures of the remnants of lemon-cream cheese birthday cake that we made, but it didn’t last long enough. it was awfully yummy. but does anyone else feel like there must be a healthier way to celebrate feast days? we have been feasting way too much….