her heart just wasn’t in it…

“mrs. wilcox did her best with algebra, but her heart just wasn’t in it…”

that’s me these days…i am mrs. wilcox.

my heart is not feelin’ the algebra…

in fact my heart is not “in” a lot of things.

newsflash: my children are driving me nuts. they don’t wanna listen. they don’t wanna do school. they bicker. bicker. bicker. they don’t wanna pray. my house is constantly messy and noisy. i am constantly grading papers and tidying messes.

and it all makes me not wanna be the mama.

it makes me wanna run far. far. away. take a three hour nap. read a pile of good literature and have someone bring me copious amounts of coffee and delicious foods…possibly for days…

“without the suffering Mary, mothers who feel the sting of sorrow over their children would have lacked a model. mothers should not forget the trials and loneliness of this Mother during the public life of her Son, her anguish on Calvary, and those long years after the Ascension in which she waited to join Him in heaven. suffering and anguish will surely come to Catholic mothers because of their sons. let mothers look to and pray to the Mother of Sorrows, the Queen of the Afflicted.”

her heart was in it.

and so every. single. morning. i start my day with: i believe….

it’s like my own little magnificat. my weak little soul’s way of magnifying the Lord…

and then the good things shift into focus: a little stamp collection started by the baby, with some help from sissy. a kitty in the kitchen. a successful fractions lesson with scones.

successful pumpkin spice scones that taste so very sweet and yummy!

that nature walk the other day with the baby and my dad. we looked at trees and leaves. my dad’s eyes were as blue as the fall sky. and the baby’s hair had a golden red glow like mine!

oh, yes. i’ve missed this space. i miss documenting my life.

not for readership sake. but because every life is a story and i want my kids to know what our story was someday….

for better and for worse.

i really aim to keep up more often. it’s been too long.

i think my heart just might be in it again…..

connections

are good.

especially when they are with people you love!!!!!

and that pretty much explains my absence in this space.

the mama-child connection is something my children don’t seem to get enough of. regardless of age. in fact i think they need me more now than ever: with jobs and bank accounts come so many decisions and things to do!

then there are senior happenings with the biggest girl. she chose me to take her senior pics….and well, that means we were off finding fields of flowers to pose in….and then me wanting some sister shots…of sister kisses.

and faith connections…

did i mention that the baby made his First Holy Communion? on mother’s day.

that smile says it all, doesn’t it?

he has been waiting for Our Lord a long, long while.

and when it was over i breathed a big sigh of relief…took a few days off.

and here it is. already the end of another week.

and i realized that i so missed my connections here.

which have been difficult to maintain due to a nasty virus on my home computer.

making everything online just that much harder to accomplish.

i think i may’ve gotten lazy during lent.

when i stayed away to purge the noise. and the whispers of incompetence at all the ways in which my life is boring. mundane and ordinary.

no projects to shine forth…no garden glory. no books or knitting.

just  “glittering desolation from the starry pinnacle of the commonplace” to use some of dear chesterton’s words.

yes, that’s where i’ve been. at that place where busy-ness meets boring.

and i realized just how so this afternoon. as i lay on my bed. taking one. long. momentous. pause.

with the toilet running and 4 flies buzzing around the kitchen(no doubt invited in by someone leaving the door wide open!) and i thought selfishly to my selfish self: is this it?

that coupled with the fact that i had been NOT cooking a roast for 2 hours because the crock pot wasn’t PLUGGED in!!!  just might’ve been enough to send me over the edge of said starry pinnacle.

no connection there!

between crock pot and plug.

and yes, this is my life.

one mad adventure.

i am thinking too much….it happens when i read chesterton.

does he have that affect on you too?

i allowed myself some fun reading for easter and plowed my way through the man who was thursday.

i was deeply confused and disappointed with the ending. i felt very similar to the night i watched the LOST finale.

“you think too much, mom.” my girl told me.

“sometimes you need to just read.”

ouch!

she’s only 11!!!

and already a sage!

happy reading friends!

if you made it to the end of this post then God love you!

i will be back. sooner than later.

that is if my pride will allow me to publish such utter nonsense twice in a row!

xo.

ps. i’ve got my paws on mere christianity now so watch out!

lacking a conclusion

i gather the lace tablecloth into a ball.

little bits of crumbs fall back onto the table.

even lace has holes.

pieces of the weekend come spilling out of my heart.

a heart overflowing with happiness for healing and grace freely given.

it is late monday but i can feel the love that is still here.

i recall the taste of a glass of shared orange champagne.

smiling  i think of the way it tickled my tongue.

two spoons and one serving of tiramisu.

a movie with my mama.

venturing out again. together. alone.

she holds my arm. a sign of her fragility. and vulnerability.

shadows from her fall lurk around every corner. and with every step.

all of life is so fragile.

we are bones. flesh. blood.

i remember: even lace has holes.

holes are the weaknesses.

things fall through.

yet the delicate fabric of who we are is durable.

and we can soak up so much goodness.

the goodness that is:

::falling asleep to the sound of rain.

the downpour a soothing symphony to the places that ache.

::sunday holiness. awe. praise.

early morning mass.

adoration. contrition. thanksgiving. supplication.

Spirit Food.

no crumbs there.

only Wholeness. and Completeness.

and strength in HIS Flesh and Blood.

i pause and ponder:

how is it that we so quickly outgrew that stage of fitting in just one pew?

my loves are sprinkled throughout the small chapel.

how does such a small chapel contain so much love?

because love is not something that can be contained.

it manifests itself in so many different ways.

and when i am not looking it slips right through those holes and sinks down into my deepest. darkest places…and resides with me.

even in my crumb-iness…

there is an echo of voices and i snap out of it.

stories are being read by my girl and my mama.

they fumble. trying to figure out where they left off last.

so much of life is fumbling and trying to figure out where you left off last….

the read aloud: the swiss family robinson.

so many interesting things to make small talk about.

there is a catch in my throat.

i had hoped these days would come again.

days where we’d hear and feel all of these things again.

will it all fall through again?

maybe. probably.

yes, definitely.

i take those words and set them aside for now.

life has too many holes and crumbs to think about.

and after much fumbling myself:

i leave this post without a conclusion…

2/52

playing along, a bit late, with barb:

52 weeks of daily life in pictures:

trials and celebrations, the extraordinary and mundane.

unique to me.

lemons and sunshine in january.

getting well: for my mama.

ordinary and clean: useful things grace a trunk top.

the house looks so bare after one puts Christmas away.

years ago:

two of my favorite pictures.

Christmas 9 years ago.  me with awful blonde hair and roots showing. the 3 bigger kids were so little.

walking down the aisle with my sweetie. was that really 11 years ago this year? where does the time go?

a doll quilt made by my mama for my girl.

it now graces the back of a chair.

what should i do with it mama? she asked me the other day.

just wrap a dolly up in it and play with her…i thought to myself… big sigh.

i don’t know i said. my mind a million miles away. just leave it there for now.

and these.

snapshots of her room. more chic than little girl. 

making me proud because she has such an eye for color and creativity.

but everything is looking more responsible and grown up.

even down to this struggling hydrangea that she brought home from my mom’s.

to take care of she said.

because you can tell that nana just can’t right now.

i will end this post by linking to this.

h/t: margaret.

i want to remember that every. single. morning.

now i’ve seen it all…

my husband has this thing with darth vader.

and it has only gotten worse.

getting directions will never be the same again.

ever.

spicy!

if variety is the spice of life. then things are spicy around here.

we managed to squeeze in one of the last performances of the phantom before its farewell performance. i saw it years ago. but really wanted the little ones to see it with a live orchestra. and they did. at the historic pantages theater. in downtown hollywood with lots of bright lights. limos and trendy restaurants. stars under our feet. literally.

it was a 95 mile one way trip. i managed new shoes for both of them but my son has a bowl cut. and i wasn’t able to get that fixed before. he looks sort of young paul mccartney-ish.

it was worth every second we spent in traffic. and every second i spent explaining. in a very whispering voice. all of the details of this very exciting production.

on a completely different note. it is deer season. the tail end.

and it is so tempting to play with all those deer parts. at least for some folks.

oh deer!

i told you things are really spicy around here!

we are coming to the end of a very whirlwind week. and if i can just make it to sunday i’ll breathe a big sigh of relief….i am keeping the calender very empty for november and december….we need some time to unwind.

and i say that with a heavy heart. knowing that both of my grandmothers are sick and dying.

how soon, only God knows.

i do know that we are all dying.

one of my favorite lines from the movie braveheart is: every man dies. but not every man truly lives.

so what do i want to remember about this week of truly living? 

singing taylor swift songs at the top of our voices. till our throats hurt. picking out pumpkins and big kids who are not too big for pumpkins. a boy who can walk around the house cutting up a pom-pom while he lets pieces fall all over the place like furry confetti-like it is the most natural thing in the world to do. finally sewing the owls with the girls. pomegranate wine mixed with spiced apple-cider. edgar allen poe read aloud. frivolous fake jewelry. velvet shoes. and black fingernail polish.

 signed. yours truly.

the swing of things

funny we should end our first week of school in the same place we started.

only this time we brought friends.

and shared some of our favorite things with them.

and they shared some of their favorite things with us.

there was lots of good food and music.

but just when we were really getting into the swing of things. it was time to come home.

sometimes it is hard to bring yourself back from moments like these.

to face real life.

the dishes. the laundry. the schoolwork.

the repetition. the monotony.

it can be such a pain.

especially with all of the stuff we’ve got going on ’round here lately.

however….

“when the Divine LIFE came to this earth, He reechoed the lessons of the Thrill of Monotony. St. Peter asked how many times we should forgive. Peter thought seven times was enough. Our Lord said, “seventy times seven”. there were three sweet monotonies in His Life-thirty years obeying, three years teaching, three hours Redeeming. He passed on to us the thrill of being born again, which was made a condition for entering into the Kingdom of Heaven.

because God is full of life i imagine each morning Almighty God says to the sun, “do it again”; and every evening to the moon and the stars, “do it again”; and every springtime to the daisies, “do it again”; and every time a child is born into the world asking for a curtain call, that the heart of God might once more ring out in the heart of the babe.

LIFE is full of romance and thrill when it has one overall purpose, namely, to be one with a LIFE that is Personal enough to be a Father; one with a Truth that is Personal enough to be the Wisdom from whence come all Art and Science; and one that is Personal enough to be a Love that is a “Passionless Passion, a wild Tranquility”.

life is worth living when we live each day to become closer to God. when you have said your prayers, offered your actions in union with God, continue to enjoy the “Thrill of Monotony”, and “do it again”!                  

~Fulton Sheen, Life is Worth Living

and so off i go…

to “do it again”!

the calm

before the storm.

the weather has been far too pleasant for january. it felt like spring. and now we are expecting rain all next week. *sigh*. i know we need it. i just wish cloudy weather didn’t make me feel so blue.

as if the weather should be a certain way in order to accommodate my needs.

we woke up to a horrible rumbling this morning around 4 am. it was an earthquake. not too bad. but unsettling. i never sleep well after we’ve had one. they still scare me even after all these years.

 

i am trying out a sourdough starter. i’ve never made sourdough bread before but after tasting a loaf of yummy sourdough flax from trader joe’s last week- and me being the bread hog that i am-i couldn’t get it out of my mind- so now seemed like the perfect time to give it a whirl.

i had to move these bulbs outside because swarms of little bugs kept buzzing around them when they were in the kitchen. and frankly, they were bugging me. no pun intended.

this lavender begged to come home with me the other day. it wanted to live with the violets. i couldn’t say no. so here it is. sitting on my back porch. waiting to be planted.

but i am too cold to do any such thing. and tired. we had family game nite here last night with two of my husbands’ sisters and their families. we played balderdash. ate mexican food and had quite a few laughs.

so i guess now i’ll go snuggle up on the couch and watch this. catch up on my rest and maybe try knitting something.

ps. isn’t playing with picnik fun?