Archive for the tag “my thoughts”

{day 5 *crickets*, and me….}

crickets is that sound you hear when there’s nothing to hear….

no news is good news?

maybe so.

except the other day i did hear or rather see…..

it was the day i toLd you that the big boy was gone….

and then out of the blue he texted me. because in this society of texting and what-nots it was easier for him to do this ’cause he knows not onLy is this mama’s heart  broken… but she’s mad!!!

oh the daddy is mad too, but when both the daddy and the mama are mad, the chiLdren aLways go to the mama….

they expect mama to be sweeter. and more forgiving. and Less harsh.

and this mama usuaLLy is aLL those things and more.

but……there comes a time in everyone’s Life when they have to(shouLd) grow up. and  suffering the consequences of poor choices made is just a smaLL part of what being an aduLt is aLL about….

i know. i know. try teLLing that to this generation which seems OBSESSED with the idea of perpetuaL adoLesence coupLed with LICENSE to do whatever feeLs good: young, wiLd and free!!!….{this is the part where i am hearing myseLf and not the crickets}.

but i don’t necessariLy Like what i am saying.

maybe i want you to teLL me that we shouLd open the doors, wide…. cook the fattened caLf and embrace our prodigaL son….but we have done this severaL times to no avaiL. and in the end we onLy Look fooLish, possibLy setting a precedent for the 3 pairs of eyes that are watching how we deaL with this “situation”. heck, they are probably even taking notes, you know how kids are….

so aside from the crickets. and aside from the sound of my own voice….i am waiting to hear what wisdom sounds Like….

which thus far has been pretty derned quiet…..

*sigh*

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shall we?

talk about summer? my evasive little friend…and how a cool breeze is making the vertical blinds sway back and forth as i write…

and how it is cool enough to need blankets. but just stuffy enough so that i need the fan because it helps me feel like i can breathe easier when i am trying to go to sleep.

no, that claustrophobic feeling has nothing to do with my being sandwiched between two snoring forms!

silly you!

or shall we talk about the great pains of getting one’s eyebrows waxed. i was a first timer. yes, i have always taken the tweezers to my brows, but while sitting in the nail/pedicure/waxing/ salon while half daughter got her nails done… i had this wild urge to indulge my eyebrows with warm, sweet wax!

two. words: OUCH! OUCH!

don’t let those places fool you with their quiet, little private rooms so that seem so…well, quiet and inviting

i even silenced my cell phone so middle son would stop pestering me for the new netflix password(which is change every so often just because i CAN!!)

after they were done with me i had the sudden urge to call someone for help.

’nuff said.

i am probably exaggerating.

well, tomorrow is the big DAY.

the half-daughter graduates. we will feast and be merry.

and summer really begins.

i finished grades and all traces of paperwork/ attendance this afternoon while intermittently watching back-to-back episodes of the office on netflix. pretending to be “sick” AND busy so as not to be “bothered” by anyone who happened to need anything.

this terrible feeling of couch-potato-ness swept over me and with the help of super fast internet on my laptop it is all too easy to ignore the laundry….which is a GINORMOUS beast as we speak.

but then again it’s summer……..almost anyway.

and next year i’ll have another senior.

and i’ll be super rushed and flustered then too. again.

and so it goes…this cycle of mothering.

do i look like peanut (our hamster) when he is roaming around the house in his see-thru yellow ball? oblivious. lost. confused. overwhelmed. tired…..????

yes.

but at least i have GREAT looking eyebrows!!!!

the right person

meet tom.

his presence in my life is the result of daddy not being strong enough to say no.

 the baby wanted to bring him home from grandma’s.

and bring him home he did!

jenn mentioned something the other day about lack of enthusiasm for school from her little students.

and well, with tom around. the fever gone. and the beckoning tree house….you can imagine our lack of focus as well.

so aside from reading a little archimedes, lego play and math yesterday, we finished rather early.

mostly, but not entirely because that same daddy pulled into the driveway and mentioned something about washing…and truck…and soap….and bubbles….

and…well, you get the picture!

as our year ends…the senior is working on one last big project. the big boy landed a job with the U.S. Forest Service: a paid summer internship (with money for college at the end of the program). the middle boy is ready(and asking) for algebra and formal guitar lessons. the little girl remains my avid reader and fashionista. and the baby…well, i’ve decided to do first grade over again with him next year.

that is probably one of the biggest blessings of homeschooling: paying attention to your mama senses (they are like spider senses, only stronger)…and doing what’s best for the student…no rushing. no pushing. just gentle learning.

after all he is the baby. and i am no longer trying to prove anything to anyone.

not even myself.

the fashionista had an incident with a needle this past week after finishing up sewing something for her barbies. a part of it remains broken off inside her thigh. the x-ray report reads: superficial wound, yet no one seems to want to take it out. words like orthopedic surgeon and anesthesia have been floating around inside my head all week long.

my heart hurts because she hurts.

and yet selfishly….really? a whole week lost in a fog of numerous doctor visits, etc.

last nights’ finale: the baby had three vomiting sessions…while we have three sleepover guests.

in light of all the tornadoes and horrible tragedies happening everywhere it is a shame for me to even put these complaining thoughts into print…yet i couldn’t help thinking that somehow:

“we(i) have taken a wrong turning and come to a wrong place,” said Fr. Brown, looking out of the window at the grey green sedges and the silver flood. “never mind; one can sometimes do good by being the right person in the wrong place.”

~excerpt from the sins of prince saradine by g.k. chesterton

this is my lot right now.

it feels like a disaster because i am weak.

so… may the GOOD Lord give me the grace to be the right person.

and to realize this isn’t the wrong place. just because things are not perfect.

and may HE give me the grace to: to clean up throw up and apply hot compresses with courage and a smile…when i’d really just like to crawl in bed and have someone take care of me!!!

 

storms

whether real or imagined.

can be beautiful.

perspective is really what’s so important.

it’s all in how one look at things.

if only we all had the perspective of a 6 year-old.

they embrace storms with arms wide open.

with curiosity and courage.

they aren’t afraid to go out into the lightning.

because they want to feel the wetness on their bare skin.

and dance in the rain.

*sigh*

oh to be 6 again.

i am sharing this:

“…all who love justice and hate iniquity must be forever discontented, must see a great number of things ill done by themselves and others, and must be longing to restore all things in Christ. by prayer, example, encouragement, denunciation, we have all labored to bring the reign of justice, yet are conscious of how much still remains to be done. yet despite this chronic state of discontent, the heart should be at PEACE.”

i didn’t write the author’s name when i copied it down. sorry.

words like that go great with a small bowl of ice cream, don’t ya think?

standing by and other mama verbs

standing by to watch and count all of the missed catches.

stopping long enough to embroider some flossie doodles.

enjoying some orange marmalade from a friend.

wanting to selfishly stay up late to knit. sew. read. pray. blog. anything. but selflessly going to bed earlier to be better and brighter for them in the morning.

trying to keep the kitchen clean after all meals. (this is a tough one).

taking the time to really look at the pretty colors of the wings of a plastic parrot when they are being shown to me by the littlest hands in my life.

marvelling at that wonderful. purple grape hyacinth. i am loving the magic of bulbs. such a slow hobby. requiring a lot of patience. but the results are so delightful!

thinking about our st. joseph altars. i need a bigger statue. one that doesn’t have such a disfigured face. poor st. joseph.

wishing you all a lovely weekend. and hoping that at least some of your mama verbs are beautiful ones.

the bee’s knees

you’re probably familiar with this phrase, but if you aren’t, it means “excellent, of the highest quality.” and if you want to get technical, there is an explanation here. anyway, there are, at the end of this seemingly long week, quite a few thing that i think are the bee’s knees. here is my list:

-reading the adventures of tom sawyer-with a southern(?) accent

this movie, which i watched with one of my sister-in-laws-who is patiently waiting for me to make her this dish. please say bourguignon a few times. i love the way it rolls off of the tongue. forgive me if you wish you were french after watching this film the way i did. and no, i am not excited to make the dish because the recipe happens to call for wine.

this idea-but don’t watch the little dance number by the bees if the thought of bees dancing provocatively offends you.

-seed packets for our own honey bee friendly garden

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-fresh air, after a few days of being in the middle of so many different fires. i don’t want to say “wake up californians! could this be a chastisement…???” but there. i just did.

-the yummy combination of wine/popsicles that i am really starting to love. my brother-in-law-thanks d-just gave me a new idea-watermelon flavored jolly ranchers with midori. i am a temperant woman, but after the week i’ve had i thought i deserved two glasses. (it was cheap wine). and it was friday nite.

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michael’s sale on stamps and art supplies-i saved $30.00 yesterday on some good stuff!

 

-progress on: my cloth grocery bags. i am using recycled linen curtains and vintage sheets. i have 4 finished bags. and 3 more cut out. is it terrible that they are so pretty that i hate to think of using them for just grocery bags? i am using one of them as a purse for now. and: 2 handmade gifts are just about completed and almost ready to be sent off. a “dolly carrier” for my girl is all done except for a button and some elastic. and i have doll plans in my head-almost ready for paper-got to get sewing on them asap.

 

-the HUGE bag of vintage-y lace-y, frilly, cotton-y goodness given to me by my mother-in-law. i have plans for some head coverings for mass with some of the lace….forgive my giddiness, but i am in love with the beautiful, austere way that women look when their heads are covered…but it’s ok if you don’t. i disliked it for years too. the veils always slipped off, they looked “old-fashioned” etc. but it was when i set MY pride aside-and read st. paul’s words-that i just knew-it needed to be done. there is an informative-though not catholic-article explaining many feelings/ideas that are similar to mine here.

– these words from st. augustine, who happens to be one of my FAVORITE saints, so much so that my littlest one bears his name for a middle name….

“Some people, in order to discover God, read books. But here is a great book: the very appearance of created things. Look above you. Look below you. Note it. Read it. God, Whom you want to discover, never wrote that book with ink. Instead, He set before your eyes the things that He made. Can you ask for a louder voice than that? Why heaven and earth SHOUT at you: “God made me!”

i am reading his confessions right now, and am looking forward to reading his city of God  next, so i might be jotting down some more of his wisdom in the days ahead. anyhow, i guess i should get off of here. i ate a hostess twinkie (gross, i know). and we are out of milk, but i am extremely thirsty, so i guess it’ll be a glass of cold water for me. i cannot believe we are going thru 2 gallons of milk a week. if we had room i’d invest in a cow. i wonder what the people at the law office next door would think? would they think it was the bees knees…..

rock, paper, bazooka……

or rocket launcher. or grenade. or how about: rock, paper, sniper rifle. it’s our new “rendition” of the old game. i guess my little one thinks rock, paper and scissors are not dangerous enough. or harmful enough. so he has invented this new “spin” and tonite he and my daughter had me cracking up so hard i felt like i was going to pee my pants. she was so good at the motions. i mean it totally looked like she was holding a rocket launcher. and the movements for the grenade actually involve the mouth and pulling out the pin. it is just too hilarious.  

so that’s why i haven’t been able to blog. that and the fact that today was our second day of school and i am easing into it still. trying to figure out just how the days should flow. and i must say that recitation of the rosary is VITAL to our homeschool harmony. we slack off every now and again. but the Blessed Mother is SO faithful, i just ask her to get me back on track and like any mother, she does. the best and really only way for us to get it done is 2-2-1. we say 2 decades in the morn before school with morning prayers. two either right after school or just before dinner. and one with our nightly prayers. this just works for us. and i love it because i feel so much better. there seem to be more hours in the day when one gives to God His time, spent in prayer. at least that is how it is for my children and i.

and so i know i have been a terrible blog friend. and a real life friend. there are un-answered emails. but this is best for me right now. for us. and i hope i don’t offend anyone. you are all so awesome. and there is so much happening on the world. wide. web. but i can hardly contain what’s happening here. and these folks just mean so darn much to me. even the teen is behaving as best as he can. he said something so fascinating to me today that i almost fell off the bed. anyway, i have to get off here because we are going to watch bella together. he is learning about spreading the pro-life message and is there a better movie than bella for a little inspiration?

i hope you are doing wonderfully. and if you aren’t. please ask your mother for a little help.

nothing profound

IMG_5789i don’t know that i have anything very profound to report this evening. today there was a basketball game. our team won. 48 to 26 was the score.

it has been so humid here. and the outrageous cost of our june electric bill has caused me to re-evaluate what number we can comfortably keep the thermostat at. 78 was great. but i had a really sick feeling when i saw what 78 costs. needless to say any and all upstairs chores have to be completed either later in the evening or very early in the morning, because that is the only time it is even bearable up here. my computer is upstairs too, which is the main reason behind my infrequent posting. y’all wouldn’t want me to faint just so i can let you know what is going on in my world, now would you? besides i am rather enjoying the emails back and forth that some of my dear little friends and i have been sharing.

in fact this morning i was a little hormonal  teary-eyed thinking about communities. and some of the people i have met because of blogging.. nothing negative, mind you. just a bunch of wonderful, faithful, loving women, many of whom i’d like to bring together for a home-cooked meal, here. with candles and twinkling lights. some good wine. laughter and conversation. and while i know that is highly unlikely, unless i were to win the lottery or something. i want you all to know how lovely you are.

nadja recently gave me the true heart award again and this is my official thank you to her. if you have never visited her, please do. she is so sweet i could eat her. but that would be cannibalism. and besides she has a precious new gem to take care of. and if you are reading this and have not received this award for some reason, i hereby bestow it upon you, you wonderful readers!

i am also very excited-and nervous- to say that i have been commissioned-meaning getting paid– by a dear friend in real life to make her two darling daughters some handmade dolls-like my lola– for Christmas. i am rather nervous. i don’t know that i have all of the doll making kinks worked out, so if anyone has any pointers they’ve learned along the way, please feel free to let me know.

and finally, this quaint little picture is of  some felted blueberries i made for the dollies to eat. they need their anti-oxidants too. i have a bunch more cut out, but a whole basket full will take time.  don’t they look adorable in that tiny depression type dish? they aren’t real antiques. but i just knew my girl would love them.

 i am reading a novel. i left it at my parents’ house and my mother took it over for a week. she gave it a pretty good review. like a good mother she said there were a few subtle things she wanted to cross out with a marker. but i gently reminded her that we don’t do such things to library books. it promises to be a page turner. and after that terrible murder-mystery that i just read-and was GRAVELY disappointed in-in the end-i hope it delivers. i don’t know that i’ll be getting any more books like that again. it left me feeling very unsettled. true crime stories tend to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

sewing related news: i am progressing on the alphabet quilt. i finished Ll tonight. i need to  sew /piece the blocks for Mm-Xx, Yy and Zz  in the upcoming week and i’ll work on the embroidery/letters as time allows. i am ready to burn all of my yarn. my knitting isn’t going very well. i had to take a step back. re-read some knit/purl instructions. and learn a lot about tension. too much tension isn’t good. in life or knitting. good night dear friends. happy weekending. 

tickled

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“if we could stop the moon. and june. stay, june, stay. ~christina g. rossetti”

that poem has been going through my head all month long. but i don’t really care to stop june. or the moon for that matter. i truly believe that each month is beautiful in its’ own special way. designed by none other than a loving God who is always so generous in HIS gifts.

the weather in our neck of the woods was beautiful for a last day day of june. we spent a good part of it outside in the morning and the late afternoon and evening. i was really inspired by jess to finish my own alphabet quilt, which i started two summers ago. i cannot believe how time flies. i wish i didn’t drop the ball so much with projects. especially sewing ones. today i found a quilt top with a giant star in the middle that i began when the children were much smaller and i had very little time to do anything. but not much has really changed as far as that goes.

i think it funny that so often we sew for sport, when families used to depend on mother’s sewing for warm blankets and the clothes on their backs. i guess i am so old fashioned for thinking myself a terrible mother if i don’t at least contribute something from my own hands to my childrens’ wardrobes. to their lives. the food they eat. the napkins they wipe their mouths with. or the towels they dry their hands with. little handsewn touches. my love in every stitch. sometimes they notice. other times they don’t. but that is not the point. i grew up this way.  my mother’s love surrounding me in our home. our bedrooms. pillows. tablecloths. embroidered samplers. i remember that the last quilt she made me, i took with me to the hospital when my first son was born. somewhere there is even a tiny bit of blood, from labor? i am not quite sure, perhaps from all the after bleeding. but either way, that was my blankie. in many ways i was still her baby. and so i don’t ever discount the power of those handmade things.

another thing i found today was a light cotton nursing blankie that she made with fourth of july fabric when my littlest son was born. he had such a sweaty head, but modesty always prompted me to cover him when i nursed in public, so she made me a stack of such coverlets.

one day my daughter found a box of fabric scraps in my old room and she realized that they were from every single thing that my mother has ever made for her. she sat there and cried, saying that she couldn’t believe that someone loved her this much, to do such a thing for her. they are for the “someday quilt”, which we will work on together. it may or may not get finished. maybe someday she’ll find it in a box. with all of the other unfinished things which will probably be my legacy.

but i am hoping it won’t matter. because i am hoping that she will remember, not just this particular day in june, when the grass tickled our feet so. or our feeble attempts at friendship bracelets. i am hoping that she, and they (those boys) will always remember that i was and am, so tickled just to be their mother.

this post went in an entirely different direction than i originally intended. please forgive me. by the time you read this, we will be saying hello to july. which really tickles me too. we have so much planned already. i get a little nervous just thinking about it. so, enough for one night.

ps. and yes, that is really what my embroidery thread looks like. please don’t judge me. it works quite well. i just search “the ball” for my desired color. no neat little box with cardboard organizers to mess with. i think those things are really overrated.

copycat, sort of

this is going to be such a blah post. it is just too hot for me to produce much worthy of being published. when we came home from mass it was 94 degrees upstairs.

i do have a few things on my mind. my spelling is really horrible at this late hour, so i should keep it short. you ought to see what a fool i made of myself at regina’s. sorry r. i had to quit commenting for fear of further erring.

so, i think i am ready to be kicked off of the catholic mother’s online blogroll any second. if i haven’t already. somehow i don’t think i posted the icon/scroll down thing correctly. there is no blogroll showing. i don’t know if i have the skill to fix it.

my keyboard is acting up. probably needs batteries. is it just me or does something always need batteries. phones. toys. mouse-es. cameras.

do you still lullaby your kids to sleep? i do. the two little ones still need stories and songs. and face to face. cheek to cheek . breath becoming one. contact. warm milk. tea. footrubs. benadryl. more stories. different songs. like ones that don’t make them cry. comforting because of “issues”. childhood traumas like “i never got a chocolate cake for my birthday.” and then darling daughter, who has no patience for anyone’s drama but her own, begins a moral dissertation on how there are children in this world who have never even had chocolate cake……..it makes me tired just writing about it. longfellow called it the children’s hour. and it is. at least for me and mine. the most precious and serious talk of the day tends to come out during this hour. they have my undivided attention. unless i am secretly wishing i was sewing or something when said drama ensues. but it is during these times when things like: “what did i do when i was a baby and you tried to leave me mama?” come out of little mouths. “when you were a baby, i never left you because i loved you so much”, i tell him. “do you love me now?” he asks. “more than anything in the whole world.” (excepting brothers and sissy, of course) and then there is this part of me that wonders if the jackson children even have it as good as mine do. i mean with their father’s millions do they know how rich  we are? i mean these kids (mine) are treated like royalty. which is why i cannot comprehend why my oldest seems hell bent on breaking my heart almost on a minute by minute basis. well, enough of that. but if you have one of these, you know. you will nod and not think me crazy, rude or mean. it is just so hard to balance out all the lives, emotions, wants and needs of so many little people and even the not-so-little ones that so think they don’t need me. when in reality they do. LORD, please bless all the mamas in this world who try to do Your will in raising godly children in an ungodly world.

jennifer has given me an award, which i am humbled to receive. be sure to visit her and tell her how cute she is! and what an awesome writer!

and finally, something worth showing. a copycat-sort of- market bag. or actually a library bag for a little girl who likes to look fashionable when she is bringing books home. i really didn’t use anyone’s “pattern”. so in that way, i am not being a copycat. i have one more cut out. another half-way sewn. and another in my mind. i can’t believe that i am actually cutting into some of my vintage sheets and fabric. this hurts you know.

hope your monday is filled with some kind of loveliness.

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