Archive for the tag “prayer”

{i didn’t pray enough}

during Lent one day as  i was praying the stations of the cross, i meditated on Jesus speaking to the women of JerusaLem and His words struck me Like a reed. they struck me Like a reed because at that moment, which had to be one of His most painfuL because not onLy was He physically tired. bLoodied. bruised. faLLen…the weight of our sins coupLed with the weight of the cross was aLmost too much for even the Son of God to bear…and YET….and yet….He impLores the women to weep not for HIM…to weep instead for themseLves and for their chiLdren…

this afternoon as i foLded Laundry i did just that.

i cried because there is a piLe of cLothes that isn’t being cLaimed….there is a piLe of cLothes someone is not going to come and get, and take up to his room because he is not here….

this piLe of cLothes beLongs to my biggest boy. who after numerous chances. upon numerous chances. refuses to keep curfew and foLLow a few simpLe ruLes.

and this afternoon whiLe my sister-in-Law texted me a how-are-you-doing text {because she knows me too weLL} i found great peace in being “guiLt-free”. for 18+ years i have given that boy every good thing i knew how….the homemade birthday cakes and haLLoween costumes. stories and trips to the park, beach, etc. baseball and basketball seasons. piano and guitar Lessons. summer camps. pancakes with siLLY faces. green eggs and ham. icecream sundaes for dinner and shadow puppets….but then it donned on me….after….after i cLimbed off my pedestaL….and set my haLo down….

there was one thing maybe i didn’t do….maybe i didn’t pray enough.

when  a woman is deep in the trenches of motherhood it’s hard to pray.

when one is deep in the homeschooLing-mother trenches it’s even harder to pray.

i raised my first 3 kids with Little to no internet connection *gasp* {no bLogs. facebook. pinterest. twittering. etc.}  there weren’t a Lot of distractions. it was REAL. it was raw. it was bLoody, heavy and faLLen….and in retrospect….which is aLmost aLways 20/20….there are pLenty of things i didn’t do weLL…

but i am not posting this to get sympathy {aLthough there is nothing quite Like a famiLy catastrophe to get me writing again}….

i am posting this to say: weep and pray for yourseLves and your chiLdren.

we benefit from that weeping.

they benefit from that weeping.

read: sts. monica and augustine.

Our Lord, in HIS bLoodiest hour demands that we do so…..

and doing it whiLe you’re foLding the Laundry gets you credit too….that’s another thing i’ve Learned aLong the way…

“the ONLY thing that matters in Life is doing the wiLL of God…once you are doing the wiLL of God, then everything matters. But apart from the accepted wiLL of God, nothing has any Lasting reaLity. So if God wiLLs that you shouLd be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibLy do…..You wiLL be tempted to say that it is impossibLe to serve God whiLe worrying about the upkeep of a house; you wiLL teLL me that you get so irritabLe that you cannot see this principLe of substituting your present duty for the envied prayer time; you wiLL point out your inabiLity to direct your intention toward God when you are so exhausted that you cannot think….but none of these things disquaLifies….it can onLy be repeated that your WHOLE business is STILL to Look for God in the midst of aLL this…… ~HoLiness for Housewives

good-bye friends…i’m off to LOOK for Him…

little i

i had a break down of sorts today.

i am disenchanted about a lot of things and people in my life that i have no control over.

mostly teenagers and dripping faucets.

both can be so annoying.

picking the weirdest times of the day to, well, annoy me.

i took a warm bath this morning.

perhaps that is how it began….

water can be so cleansing in many different ways.

and then i think i went back to bed.

i cried a few times.

it felt so therapeutic.

and then i had a warm cup of green tea with lemon.

no coffee for once.

i didn’t want to feel jittery and energized.

i wanted quiet, calm peace.

the kind that comes when you’ve “cried till you have no more tears left in you.”

and i did feel “as if nothing is ever going to happen again.”

i also prayed like i haven’t prayed in a while.

and really, that is what i needed.

little i. big HIM.

we do this sort of tango.

i know HE is there.

it’s passionate and intimate and beautiful.

and then there are days and days when i don’t make the time to have a good heart to heart with HIM.

and HE gets jealous.

and i, being the fallen human being that i am, tend to look at prayer as ONE MORE THING i need to do, but don’t really want to…

because i am tired and achy and stressed.

and there are dripping faucets and teenagers. and junk everywhere. and laundry. and it’s 102 degrees outside.

and i am a control freak-weak-minded-sloth.

“christianity is not easy: the great religious struggle is not fought on a spectacular battleground, but within the ordinary human heart, when every morning we awake and feel the pressures of the day crowding in on us, and we must decide what sort of immortals we wish to be.”

yeah, so i am quoting a lot of c.s. lewis.

but sometimes someone else’s words are better.

they sound better than my own pithy, pitiful jibberish.

i do detest pithy, pitiful jibberish…and speaking of such…the baby just woke up from a pouty nap he was taking on my bed…he, too, is feeling sorry for himself.

it’s so hard to be bored.

this kid wants constant entertainment.

so i guess i will do us all a favor and get off of here and go find something to do…

thanks for letting me vent, friends.

i don’t know why it is so easy for me to do it here….quietly, yet strangely outloud…in the blogosphere.

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