{i didn’t pray enough}

during Lent one day as  i was praying the stations of the cross, i meditated on Jesus speaking to the women of JerusaLem and His words struck me Like a reed. they struck me Like a reed because at that moment, which had to be one of His most painfuL because not onLy was He physically tired. bLoodied. bruised. faLLen…the weight of our sins coupLed with the weight of the cross was aLmost too much for even the Son of God to bear…and YET….and yet….He impLores the women to weep not for HIM…to weep instead for themseLves and for their chiLdren…

this afternoon as i foLded Laundry i did just that.

i cried because there is a piLe of cLothes that isn’t being cLaimed….there is a piLe of cLothes someone is not going to come and get, and take up to his room because he is not here….

this piLe of cLothes beLongs to my biggest boy. who after numerous chances. upon numerous chances. refuses to keep curfew and foLLow a few simpLe ruLes.

and this afternoon whiLe my sister-in-Law texted me a how-are-you-doing text {because she knows me too weLL} i found great peace in being “guiLt-free”. for 18+ years i have given that boy every good thing i knew how….the homemade birthday cakes and haLLoween costumes. stories and trips to the park, beach, etc. baseball and basketball seasons. piano and guitar Lessons. summer camps. pancakes with siLLY faces. green eggs and ham. icecream sundaes for dinner and shadow puppets….but then it donned on me….after….after i cLimbed off my pedestaL….and set my haLo down….

there was one thing maybe i didn’t do….maybe i didn’t pray enough.

when  a woman is deep in the trenches of motherhood it’s hard to pray.

when one is deep in the homeschooLing-mother trenches it’s even harder to pray.

i raised my first 3 kids with Little to no internet connection *gasp* {no bLogs. facebook. pinterest. twittering. etc.}  there weren’t a Lot of distractions. it was REAL. it was raw. it was bLoody, heavy and faLLen….and in retrospect….which is aLmost aLways 20/20….there are pLenty of things i didn’t do weLL…

but i am not posting this to get sympathy {aLthough there is nothing quite Like a famiLy catastrophe to get me writing again}….

i am posting this to say: weep and pray for yourseLves and your chiLdren.

we benefit from that weeping.

they benefit from that weeping.

read: sts. monica and augustine.

Our Lord, in HIS bLoodiest hour demands that we do so…..

and doing it whiLe you’re foLding the Laundry gets you credit too….that’s another thing i’ve Learned aLong the way…

“the ONLY thing that matters in Life is doing the wiLL of God…once you are doing the wiLL of God, then everything matters. But apart from the accepted wiLL of God, nothing has any Lasting reaLity. So if God wiLLs that you shouLd be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibLy do…..You wiLL be tempted to say that it is impossibLe to serve God whiLe worrying about the upkeep of a house; you wiLL teLL me that you get so irritabLe that you cannot see this principLe of substituting your present duty for the envied prayer time; you wiLL point out your inabiLity to direct your intention toward God when you are so exhausted that you cannot think….but none of these things disquaLifies….it can onLy be repeated that your WHOLE business is STILL to Look for God in the midst of aLL this…… ~HoLiness for Housewives

good-bye friends…i’m off to LOOK for Him…

holding on to april

because in april i never dreamed that the baby could be away from me for 3.whole.nights.

but for a child. who is most often confined to a home in the city. pavement. sidewalks. lights and lots of cars. the beckoning prairie is too loud to ignore.

the special rocks. the weapons. wildflowers. food cooked over a campfire. the smell of smoke in your hair. and the chance to wear moccasins instead of shoes.

oh, yes. they are having a grand ol’ time without me.

and they are in good hands.

well, this quiet may evening is over. the house is picked up. my husband snores softly. and i sit here alone. too tired to do any sewing now. feeling like i’ve misplaced something.

like 4 children….

those slipcovers?

i never got around to them.

i figured it’d be better that the 4 children came home to a clean. organized. house. and a rested mama rather than new slipcovers.

maybe some other day.

dirty laundry

i hope someday my kids won’t hate me for airing their dirty laundry here. i really try to respect their privacy and only put into print what i think might be of help to someone.

unfortunately dirty laundry is real. raw. and smelly. but underneath it all it can be something very beautiful. if the focus remains on glorifying GOD. keeping the faith.  fighting the good fight to raise saints. and even fighting to become saints ourselves.

i can’t help but wonder what st. monica would’ve written about little augustine….

in all fairness i have to say that when asked. my big sonny boy said he felt stupid after the smoking incident. and he didn’t like feeling stupid. now whether he just told me what i wanted to hear. only time will tell.

trying to keep my sense of humor i mentioned that he seriously needed to be careful about further damaging brain cells that don’t work all that well yet anyway…

food for thought:

“…i found myself most consciously and tangibly in the presence of God. i saw my life to date laid out before me, seeing it as though i were reviewing it in the presence of God after death. i saw everything i would regret. i also knew, from one instant to the next, that the meaning and purpose of my life was to love and serve my Lord and my God; i saw how His love enveloped and sustained me every moment of my existence; i saw how everything i did had a moral content, for good or for ill, and which mattered far more than i would ever know; i saw how everything that had ever happened in my life was the most perfect thing that could be arranged for my own good by an all-Good, all-Loving God, especially those things that caused me the most suffering at the time; i saw that my two greatest regrets at the moment of death would be all of the time and energy i had wasted worrying…..when every moment of my existence i was held in the sea of God’s unimaginable great love, and every hour i had wasted not doing anything of value in the eyes of God.” ~roy schoeman chosen

yes, i crawled out bed to “feed” you that little tidbit. because there is really nothing quite like witnessing the fall of another to examine oneself a little closer.

i am forever humbled by my children. learning from them. in all of these unexpected bumps and spills.

it’s not something i want them to know yet.

that the head laundress has loads of her own dirty laundry, well, that will be between you and me.

i have a reputation to maintain ya know.

so toodles.

i am off to quietly return to my bed. where my very tired love snores loudly-somehow lulling the baby to sleep. yes, tangled in a mess of quilts and comforters. the baby sleeps. with us.

uh-oh. would that count as more dirty laundry…????

if you want something done right

too bad.

that about sums up my morning.

and with that attitude i feel like i am sort of telling Our Lord: i will walk the way of the Cross with You. but can i just put my comfortable-est shoes on first? and i don’t want to break into a sweat. and oh, can we stop for a drink of purified water?

my whiny list of demands could go on and on.

but instead i will to stop there.

and in a new breath. with that same free will.

i will instead ask for the grace to be thankful.

 for soap and water. because it cleans up a myriad of messes.

and for Confession and Holy Communion. The two Things which are the toughest on grime.

the grime that is me.

you see it is so tempting. as an adult. to look at the spills and messes of others and think yourself above it all.

but thankfully. at least this morning. the beam in my eye. is so obstructing my view from on high. that instead i am trying to use the frustration towards a greater good.

after all: there is nothing quite like a good spill to get one down on the old knees to pray……