a sentimental journey

finding a thoughtful spot in a house full of people isn’t easy.

and yesterday i really needed to think about nothing. everything.

like how my days as of late are delicately balanced between taking care of all of the needs of the vibrant young people here and visiting a fragile little woman who is very near the end of her life.

my grandmother.

a woman who has sadly lost her words.

when all i seem to have are words.

floating through my head day and nite.

in the form of thoughts. dreams. sighs.

mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.

and yet i can’t really seem to find the right order for them either.

hence my absence for the past *gasp* 6 days.

i’ve changed this post title 4 times.

forgive me for rambling.

being so close to death does strange things to a person.

i’ve seen the numbers on the machines go up and down. beeping loudly. annoyingly.

i’ve felt her grip. as she struggles with understanding this process that is happening to her body.

that knowing . gnawing. grip that one has when the sands of time are running out.

refreshed. i return home and ferociously grip the ones that i hold so dear.

putting my own needs aside. i can paint my toenails another day.

that’s what flats are for, right?

they need me.

behold the handmaid of the Lord.

and so on tired. bended knee i fold clean towels. 8 hail marys in one load of towels. i walk to the bathroom to put them away. that’s another. and out again. that is the tenth.

be it done unto me according to THY word.

i say that at least a few times a week.

but stubbornly the words don’t always process very well.

and frankly, His will scares me sometimes.

eyes of mercy….

i am ever so grateful to have an intercessor who was a mother too.

a mother who had a sword pierce her heart.

a heart that beat solely for HIM.

do i dare expect anything different or easier for myself?

a poor. banished child of eve.

life. sweetness. hope.

things aren’t so bad.

the leaves are falling. a store clerk gave me 4 old metal baskets(which i have been needing so badly to organize my craft supplies). i found 3 hardcover nancy drew books and 2 vintage quilt tops at a yard sale.

in fact, things are good.

as always, i am just being overly sentimental.

(so i am off to change that title one more time…and scrounge up something pitiful to feed my hungry children)

really, all i do is cook.

and all they do is eat.

this should’ve been a cooking blog.

dilly-dally-ing

with water colors.

and chocolate cake. frosted with cream cheese. chocolate and coffee….

*sigh*

waiting for a summer storm. i hear thunder and smell rain and it is oh. so. lovely.

but i also smell smoke and hear sirens. not so lovely.

the good. the bad. the ugly. the lovely.

all of it willed by the Creator of this universe. not some dis-interested spectator as the unbelieving might think.

HIS WILL. THE WILL.

It is something i have been pondering a lot lately.

i am hoping the answer lies here:

in the prayers of the Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

7 times a day. that is a lot for a busy mama like myself.

but it is possible.

and it is oh. so. lovely.

and the more i do it. the more i love it.

i haven’t got it all figured out yet.

but i am sure my heavenly mother will help me with the ins and outs.

see, it’s not all fun and chocolate cakes here.

i am seriously trying to navigate my way through some diffucult things. health related and otherwise. having teenagers will do things to your body you never knew were possible. making tough mama decisions is never easy. it wears me down sometimes.

so i have stepped out of the limelight. in real life. to do some really important stuff around here.

mainly getting my prayer life in order. that is at the top of the list.

one last good thing before i go. because life is really about seeing the good things with eyes wide open:

a toast to barb.

a delicious glass of wine. drank on the nite she waited for her thunderstorm.

the one that never came.

it decided to come out west instead.

and back

i am just now recovering from quite possibly THE worst flu of my entire life. if i thought i could’ve been vaccinated to prevent it, in hindsight, i think i would’ve. as much as i hate vaccines.

it was one of those illnesses that make you feel like you’ve been to hell and back.

last nite as i took my place on the couch. to wallow alone in my misery. for the fourth nite in a row. so as not to wake my husband and the baby. the most horrendous chills. fever. and aches overcame me.

and as i lay there. all i could do was pray.

there was no rosary to grasp. i had taken my scapular off the day before to take a shower. and in a fog i never put it back on. it was just me. the pain and the darkness.

and for some reason. when i asked Jesus to have mercy on me. He didn’t. it was as if the pain intensified. every. time. i begged Him to take it from me.

but in that darkness. out of the blue. (that’s a contradiction, no?)

a thought came into my delirious mind: i imagined that i had read recently about a man who was told that whenever he was alone. even if he was sinking at the bottom of the ocean. all he needed to do was call out to the Blessed Mother. and she would rescue him. and lo and behold. he happened to find himself in that exact predicament. drowning. sinking to the bottom of the ocean. he quickly remembered to invoke the Queen of Heaven. and she came to his rescue.

so i grasped for the words HEALTH OF THE SICK. and i repeated them slowly. and with God as my witness. i was relieved. but no sooner did i finish. and the pain would return to me. and so for four hours. in and out of consciousness. drowning in my misery. i invoked the REFUGE OF SINNERS. TOWER OF IVORY. COMFORTER OF THE AFFLICTED. MYSTICAL ROSE….every name and title i could think of. from her litany. the only devotion i have managed to recite. and poorly at that. during this month of hers.

i called out to her. mother in my time of need. at an hour long past when my own mother had gone home. leaving homemade chicken soup and a clean kitchen in her stead.

but i really have to give credit here to my mama. not just for the chicken soup. because just the other day i shared with my children that part of the reason i knew that litany so well was because every morning on my way to school. my mama and i read our morning “prayers” from a tattered little dominican prayer book. and that was one of them. the words so poetically rolled off of my tongue. first as a child. then later as a bratty teenager. and now as a mother myself.

chicken soup for the soul you could say. then and now.

that’s what a real mother gives. nourishment not just to the body. but to the soul as well.

and never has that been more apparent to me than during this bloody week.

as my family has been existing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and frozen chicken pot pie. my poor husband can only do so much.

looking back to last week i was so whiny and worn out. complaining and grumbling about all of the work. the schedules. the misbehaving.

and today i longed. as i have never longed. to wash out the soap dish of all the grime it had accumulated during these past few days. to prepare a meal. to do a reading lesson with fervor.

i can see now why HE didn’t take that pain away from me. sometimes HE uses fire to purify us. it is HIS way.

and not that i ever have. but friends, do not ever discount the help that only the Mother of God can give.

she knows only too well the weariness of motherhood. whether we are sick or well.

it’s really too bad that sometimes we have to go to hell and back to realize these things.

hope you are all well. and i wish you a glorious weekend!

from me

to you.

xo.

love your mother…

so the big boys are home safe. time in the great outdoors really does them good. their sun-kissed faces were a sight for my sore eyes. they hugged me and sheepishly gave me gifts. a new pink tea cup and some blossoming green tea. i love that tea. i love tea cups. but what i love most is that even though they were far, far away, distracted by many interesting boy things. guns. bows and arrows. tomahawks. etc. they both took the time to do something special for their mama. and so it was only right that yesterday we did something special for the birthday of our heavenly mother. littlest boy, who quite often turns up his nose at glittery crafts, was very eager to make something nice for mary. the mystical rose. and he even wrote the letters all by himself. i’d planned taking pictures of the remnants of lemon-cream cheese birthday cake that we made, but it didn’t last long enough. it was awfully yummy. but does anyone else feel like there must be a healthier way to celebrate feast days? we have been feasting way too much….

rock, paper, bazooka……

or rocket launcher. or grenade. or how about: rock, paper, sniper rifle. it’s our new “rendition” of the old game. i guess my little one thinks rock, paper and scissors are not dangerous enough. or harmful enough. so he has invented this new “spin” and tonite he and my daughter had me cracking up so hard i felt like i was going to pee my pants. she was so good at the motions. i mean it totally looked like she was holding a rocket launcher. and the movements for the grenade actually involve the mouth and pulling out the pin. it is just too hilarious.  

so that’s why i haven’t been able to blog. that and the fact that today was our second day of school and i am easing into it still. trying to figure out just how the days should flow. and i must say that recitation of the rosary is VITAL to our homeschool harmony. we slack off every now and again. but the Blessed Mother is SO faithful, i just ask her to get me back on track and like any mother, she does. the best and really only way for us to get it done is 2-2-1. we say 2 decades in the morn before school with morning prayers. two either right after school or just before dinner. and one with our nightly prayers. this just works for us. and i love it because i feel so much better. there seem to be more hours in the day when one gives to God His time, spent in prayer. at least that is how it is for my children and i.

and so i know i have been a terrible blog friend. and a real life friend. there are un-answered emails. but this is best for me right now. for us. and i hope i don’t offend anyone. you are all so awesome. and there is so much happening on the world. wide. web. but i can hardly contain what’s happening here. and these folks just mean so darn much to me. even the teen is behaving as best as he can. he said something so fascinating to me today that i almost fell off the bed. anyway, i have to get off here because we are going to watch bella together. he is learning about spreading the pro-life message and is there a better movie than bella for a little inspiration?

i hope you are doing wonderfully. and if you aren’t. please ask your mother for a little help.