and back

i am just now recovering from quite possibly THE worst flu of my entire life. if i thought i could’ve been vaccinated to prevent it, in hindsight, i think i would’ve. as much as i hate vaccines.

it was one of those illnesses that make you feel like you’ve been to hell and back.

last nite as i took my place on the couch. to wallow alone in my misery. for the fourth nite in a row. so as not to wake my husband and the baby. the most horrendous chills. fever. and aches overcame me.

and as i lay there. all i could do was pray.

there was no rosary to grasp. i had taken my scapular off the day before to take a shower. and in a fog i never put it back on. it was just me. the pain and the darkness.

and for some reason. when i asked Jesus to have mercy on me. He didn’t. it was as if the pain intensified. every. time. i begged Him to take it from me.

but in that darkness. out of the blue. (that’s a contradiction, no?)

a thought came into my delirious mind: i imagined that i had read recently about a man who was told that whenever he was alone. even if he was sinking at the bottom of the ocean. all he needed to do was call out to the Blessed Mother. and she would rescue him. and lo and behold. he happened to find himself in that exact predicament. drowning. sinking to the bottom of the ocean. he quickly remembered to invoke the Queen of Heaven. and she came to his rescue.

so i grasped for the words HEALTH OF THE SICK. and i repeated them slowly. and with God as my witness. i was relieved. but no sooner did i finish. and the pain would return to me. and so for four hours. in and out of consciousness. drowning in my misery. i invoked the REFUGE OF SINNERS. TOWER OF IVORY. COMFORTER OF THE AFFLICTED. MYSTICAL ROSE….every name and title i could think of. from her litany. the only devotion i have managed to recite. and poorly at that. during this month of hers.

i called out to her. mother in my time of need. at an hour long past when my own mother had gone home. leaving homemade chicken soup and a clean kitchen in her stead.

but i really have to give credit here to my mama. not just for the chicken soup. because just the other day i shared with my children that part of the reason i knew that litany so well was because every morning on my way to school. my mama and i read our morning “prayers” from a tattered little dominican prayer book. and that was one of them. the words so poetically rolled off of my tongue. first as a child. then later as a bratty teenager. and now as a mother myself.

chicken soup for the soul you could say. then and now.

that’s what a real mother gives. nourishment not just to the body. but to the soul as well.

and never has that been more apparent to me than during this bloody week.

as my family has been existing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and frozen chicken pot pie. my poor husband can only do so much.

looking back to last week i was so whiny and worn out. complaining and grumbling about all of the work. the schedules. the misbehaving.

and today i longed. as i have never longed. to wash out the soap dish of all the grime it had accumulated during these past few days. to prepare a meal. to do a reading lesson with fervor.

i can see now why HE didn’t take that pain away from me. sometimes HE uses fire to purify us. it is HIS way.

and not that i ever have. but friends, do not ever discount the help that only the Mother of God can give.

she knows only too well the weariness of motherhood. whether we are sick or well.

it’s really too bad that sometimes we have to go to hell and back to realize these things.

hope you are all well. and i wish you a glorious weekend!

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10 thoughts on “and back

  1. Oh, Regan, I am sorry you’ve been so sick. I’ve been thinking about you this week … That’s probably why, now that I know you were sick. I am glad you are feeling better. And I praise God that you had the openness and clarity (even in your foggy sickness) to seek refuge in our Lady as well as recognize that sometimes He really does use fire to purify us … What great faith you have! God bless you as you recover this weekend!

  2. So sorry for your discomfort. I hope you have a comfortable weekend. Let the kids help mama — tell them you NEED their help. It will give them something to do other than fight. 😉

    “If you ever feel distressed during your day – call upon our Lady – just say this simple prayer: ‘Mary, Mother of Jesus, please be a mother to me now.’ I must admit – this prayer has never failed me.”
    -Blessed Mother Teresa

  3. Poor thing…would that I were near enough to bring you and your family food. When mama is sick, everything falls apart.

  4. Sarah Oldham on said:

    I’m glad you are on the mend, but I’ll keep praying for you none the less. Mary, Mother so Dear, cover your daughter with your love and comfort!

  5. Goodness, I’m glad you are feeling better! I hope you continue to recover, and that you continue to know Our Lady’s loving care. How blessed you arer to have your earthly mama nearby and able to help!

  6. What a week! I hope that the weather will be glorious so you can sit outside in the sunshine surrounded by beauty and recuperate with a glass of tea and some flowers.

  7. Chrisitne on said:

    holy moly…. that sounded like a horrible bug.

    Thank you Mother Mary for being at Regans side.

    Hope you are feeling better now.

  8. So sorry that you had such a rough time Regan. But such a profound post, at least you learned something in all your suffering.

    It kind of reminds me when I used to sing professionally. I’d always pray to Jesus before I got on stage and without fail, I would screw up somehow. I put it down to a lesson in humility. It was only when I started singing FOR him that things started to go better! 😉

  9. Glad to hear you are feeling better, Regan. Beautiful testimony! I sincerely hope that bug has left your house for good.

  10. I hope you are feeling better! Our Blessed Mother always comes to our aid, doesn’t she?

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