*tsk*tsk*

i know i said i’d be here more…and i hate it that i haven’t kept my word…

but i get distracted so easiLy…i am too busy noticing things Like the way the sun Looks when it’s coming through the window in my front room….

fooLing around with a new Lense….

taking baby beLLy pictures….aren’t they beautifuL??? so vintage and soft Looking….sigh. baby beLLies are so LoveLy….

finishing up some handmades…

the girL quiLt….

aLL done.

stitched up with Lots of Love…

and of course i can’t forget this guy….

my scrabbLe buddy.

he pretty much needs to be fed constantLy…

but he’s so entertaining…

and then he has these “requests”….as if i can “make” anything…

but i try anyway…

so i have not dropped off the pLanet friends…i am onLy caught up in the swirLing tornado that is MY Life…bLessed. crazy. sad. frustrating. funny. beautifuL and very distracting…(in a good way).

xo.

{heLLo may}

isn’t this a pretty LittLe card? i found it on pinterest yesterday and was gLad. it Looks Like something i wouLd Like to create if i had the time…

and this pretty LittLe may day basket…it was Left on my porch yesterdaymorning  by a dear friend….i wouLd Like to get my act together enough {someday} to Leave such sweet things on the doorknobs of my peeps.

i am proud to report that i have started a quiLt for my girL. {inspired by pinterest}. it is very simpLe because as noted….i don’t have room on my pLate for anything more compLicated than those compLicated things that i cannot do anything about…{i won’t mention any names or anything…but YOU know!!!}

i am much farther aLong in the process than these pictures…which is a good thing.

but it’s kinda fun to Look back and say WOW!!

…i gave the queen of the may the fLowers from that may day basket….wanted to give her something besides aLL my compLaining….

….i Love thee, Lady most worthy of aLL Love, mother of MERCY, powerfuL with God….

and just because i was taLking about pinterest….here’s one of those totaLLy siLLy e-cards that tickLe my funny bone on a daiLy basis….{and because this one is soooooo me…}

happy wednesday, friends.

 

 

home again.

friday night the big boy came home. i should’ve posted that sooner, i know. but i’ve been so exhausted. and sLeep deprived. having a naughty teenager is Like having a newborn. onLy not nearLy as thriLLing…

today was better. which is saying a Lot for a monday.

i am trying my hardest to focus on good things. pretty things. positive things. Like LittLe boys who Like to eat their snack out in the tree in the backyard and a certain girL who is rockin’ some mint coLored toenail poLish…toes stiLL so cute i’d Like to eat them!!!

we are experiencing some gLoomy weather  which does not heLp my psyche…

but….apriL showers bring may fLowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish i had some pictures to share, but i have been kinda Lazy in that department, taking mostLy pictures in this spot. it is way too much fun.

weLL, i am off to bed, friends. just had to say thank you for aLL your prayers, wise words and sweet thoughts. i know we are not out of the woods yet with this kid…i won’t every stop worrying about my kiddos. it’s what i do. i don’t know how to do anything eLse. and it doesn’t mean i don’t have faith in a GOD Who is bigger than aLL of this…it just means i am smaLL.

but i am smart enough to Leave everything in HIS hands. because that, too, is what i do….

that and wrap him in the mantLe of our bLessed mother…the safest spot i know for a young, vuLnerabLe man-chiLd…something sort of simiLar to the way i’d snuggLe him when he was a baby…

 

{day 5 *crickets*, and me….}

crickets is that sound you hear when there’s nothing to hear….

no news is good news?

maybe so.

except the other day i did hear or rather see…..

it was the day i toLd you that the big boy was gone….

and then out of the blue he texted me. because in this society of texting and what-nots it was easier for him to do this ’cause he knows not onLy is this mama’s heart  broken… but she’s mad!!!

oh the daddy is mad too, but when both the daddy and the mama are mad, the chiLdren aLways go to the mama….

they expect mama to be sweeter. and more forgiving. and Less harsh.

and this mama usuaLLy is aLL those things and more.

but……there comes a time in everyone’s Life when they have to(shouLd) grow up. and  suffering the consequences of poor choices made is just a smaLL part of what being an aduLt is aLL about….

i know. i know. try teLLing that to this generation which seems OBSESSED with the idea of perpetuaL adoLesence coupLed with LICENSE to do whatever feeLs good: young, wiLd and free!!!….{this is the part where i am hearing myseLf and not the crickets}.

but i don’t necessariLy Like what i am saying.

maybe i want you to teLL me that we shouLd open the doors, wide…. cook the fattened caLf and embrace our prodigaL son….but we have done this severaL times to no avaiL. and in the end we onLy Look fooLish, possibLy setting a precedent for the 3 pairs of eyes that are watching how we deaL with this “situation”. heck, they are probably even taking notes, you know how kids are….

so aside from the crickets. and aside from the sound of my own voice….i am waiting to hear what wisdom sounds Like….

which thus far has been pretty derned quiet…..

*sigh*

{i didn’t pray enough}

during Lent one day as  i was praying the stations of the cross, i meditated on Jesus speaking to the women of JerusaLem and His words struck me Like a reed. they struck me Like a reed because at that moment, which had to be one of His most painfuL because not onLy was He physically tired. bLoodied. bruised. faLLen…the weight of our sins coupLed with the weight of the cross was aLmost too much for even the Son of God to bear…and YET….and yet….He impLores the women to weep not for HIM…to weep instead for themseLves and for their chiLdren…

this afternoon as i foLded Laundry i did just that.

i cried because there is a piLe of cLothes that isn’t being cLaimed….there is a piLe of cLothes someone is not going to come and get, and take up to his room because he is not here….

this piLe of cLothes beLongs to my biggest boy. who after numerous chances. upon numerous chances. refuses to keep curfew and foLLow a few simpLe ruLes.

and this afternoon whiLe my sister-in-Law texted me a how-are-you-doing text {because she knows me too weLL} i found great peace in being “guiLt-free”. for 18+ years i have given that boy every good thing i knew how….the homemade birthday cakes and haLLoween costumes. stories and trips to the park, beach, etc. baseball and basketball seasons. piano and guitar Lessons. summer camps. pancakes with siLLY faces. green eggs and ham. icecream sundaes for dinner and shadow puppets….but then it donned on me….after….after i cLimbed off my pedestaL….and set my haLo down….

there was one thing maybe i didn’t do….maybe i didn’t pray enough.

when  a woman is deep in the trenches of motherhood it’s hard to pray.

when one is deep in the homeschooLing-mother trenches it’s even harder to pray.

i raised my first 3 kids with Little to no internet connection *gasp* {no bLogs. facebook. pinterest. twittering. etc.}  there weren’t a Lot of distractions. it was REAL. it was raw. it was bLoody, heavy and faLLen….and in retrospect….which is aLmost aLways 20/20….there are pLenty of things i didn’t do weLL…

but i am not posting this to get sympathy {aLthough there is nothing quite Like a famiLy catastrophe to get me writing again}….

i am posting this to say: weep and pray for yourseLves and your chiLdren.

we benefit from that weeping.

they benefit from that weeping.

read: sts. monica and augustine.

Our Lord, in HIS bLoodiest hour demands that we do so…..

and doing it whiLe you’re foLding the Laundry gets you credit too….that’s another thing i’ve Learned aLong the way…

“the ONLY thing that matters in Life is doing the wiLL of God…once you are doing the wiLL of God, then everything matters. But apart from the accepted wiLL of God, nothing has any Lasting reaLity. So if God wiLLs that you shouLd be bowed over the sink instead of over the pew in your favorite church, then washing dishes is for you, now, the most perfect thing you can possibLy do…..You wiLL be tempted to say that it is impossibLe to serve God whiLe worrying about the upkeep of a house; you wiLL teLL me that you get so irritabLe that you cannot see this principLe of substituting your present duty for the envied prayer time; you wiLL point out your inabiLity to direct your intention toward God when you are so exhausted that you cannot think….but none of these things disquaLifies….it can onLy be repeated that your WHOLE business is STILL to Look for God in the midst of aLL this…… ~HoLiness for Housewives

good-bye friends…i’m off to LOOK for Him…

{the spring of things}

Lent must be over. i am laying in bed with a laptop, well, on my lap, a plate of strawberries and some of this at my right side and to my left my ipod sits, should i get any moves on words with friends, my newest obsession.  {and it only became an obsession-i must add-while i was sick for over a month with a nasty upper respiratory infection-which left me pretty much with zero energy-stranded in the crook of the couch-which oddly, is not where i really like to be….}

what would we do without our little indulgences, eh?

i wish i could say i’ve been up to a whole slew of interesting things. but i come to this space empty….

winter was long. cold. and harsh to me. mentally. physically. and emotionally.

my body and soul deeply experienced winter like never before.

maybe it’s because my big boy turned 18 and the baby turned 8.

the baby who just asked me not to call him “moomie” or “baby” anymore.

but alas! spring is here. and like the sweet budding, blossoming trees, i feel a change coming….

i’ve got some sewing projects that are almost ready to be shared.

yes, i think i like this getting into the spring of things….even if it’s bit by bit….

there is a storm outside {literally}. april is so unpredictable. like me.

but it’s my month! my birthday is in 2 days! this mama will be 36 years young!

my girl took this picture of me on easter. i don’t know why my eyeliner looks cleopatra-ish. she did some funky editing thing i’m sure.

and i might’ve requested some light airbrushing on my “age spots”. have you noticed when you are young they are called “freckles” but when you get older suddenly they are “age spots”?

ew. i don’ t like that.

i do like this mama hummingbird though. she has a nest in our big elm tree. we are keeping our eye out for signs of babies, but with the crazy weather i’m not sure how well those babies are faring. only time will tell….

i’m reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally looking forward to finding my niche here again. i’ve missed it so.

but only time will tell that too….

happy easter-ing, friends.

xo.

pinterest made her do it…..

 

a cut-up-magazine-hearts-banner.

it’s so cute.

she’s so cute.

love.love.love.this month….so much love. and hearts. and pink and red everywhere.

be back soon.

xo.

a boston taxi??

“i love your blog, if you need a boston taxi, call me!”

you gotta love those spam comments…but when their numbers start reaching great heights you know it’s time to come and clean out the old blog…they are a bit like cobwebs…which actually very recently caused a bout of laughter in my life during the rosary before my grandmother’s funeral…yes, my grammie passed away 2 weeks ago…and there was a long, silky translucent web hanging over the head of one of my mom’s friends as we said our hail mary’s…of course the baby, being the baby, has a rather loud voice when it comes to such things…and couldn’t restrain himself from saying rather loudly “there is a COBWEB hanging from the ceiling!!” thank you, baby. seen and noted.

 

that baby. he drives me crazy. but he is a joy.

he is still one of my favorite faces to photograph.

and as i’ve sort of been moving towards this photography business thing…i like to keep looking at this face…so that my priorities remain focused on what’s important.

mamas have all sorts of mama dreams. for their children. for their marriages. for their lives. but when a mama has a dream for herself it can get lost. it can seem selfish. especially when *gasp* there are cobwebs hanging from the ceiling…

but as i sit here writing this…on the FIRST day of a NEW year…in a hotel room…6 hours away from home….while we patiently wait now for my dad’s mama to pass away….things get shifted around inside head and heart….life is short. life is but a shadow. and as the matriarchs from both sides of my family fade away into eternity i feel their strength. i feel their faith.

and i am excited about a lot of things again. like knitting. and my very own homemade granola.

and not worrying about the wonky format of this post…..

xoxoxox. friends. praying and wishing you the best today because it’s new year’s and always…just because.

i miss u too

dear bloggy friends.

i guess i lied when i said i was going to be here more often.

but then again when the walls came tumbling down i had to prioritize things around here a bit differently than i expected. literally. the walls in this 101+ years old house were falling down in places. which meant some demolition. and plasterers. and re-plastering. and texturing. and painting. and moving the furniture, beds, etc. every single morning so they could work and at night again so we could sleep.

see….not very exciting to blog about huh?

 

i really don’t have a lot to “show” for what i’ve been up to.

i’ve been working on being a better mama and wife.

more present and prayerfully aware of what everyone’s needs are. and they do change so often. we are a fickle lot.

trying to pray that rosary every. single. day. wrapping all my loved ones in the mantle of our lady.

is there really any safer place in this uncertain upside down world?

working on my marriage. yes, it needs work. sitting down with my husband and looking into his eyes when he comes home from a long day at work. listening to his concerns and cares. feeding him a good, solid meal. taking time to connect and talk and lay my head in the crook of his neck while we talk like lovers do…this is important stuff.

taking the time to do my hair and make up so that when said husband gets home, there is something besides “chaos” for him to look “at”.

and that goes for the house too. clearing the clutter. (he does hate clutter). and at this point so do i (excepting school papers, messes, those are sort of inevitable).

simplifying the things i can.

and simply leaving the rest to God.

and then there is the whole “trying to lose weight and get healthy” thing i’ve been tied up with. trying to eat gluten free most of the time. yet not “starve” my husband (or the boys for that matter) whose thoughts sort of go like this on a cold night (or rather any night): “honey, you really need to buy some hot cocoa with marshmallows and cinnamon graham crackers….”  while i am still reminiscing about the snickers he snuck into bed the night before. pleading with me to take just. one. bite.

without going into too much detail i have found that a lot, if not ALL of my depression, anxiety, irregular periods, infertility, weight gain, etc. etc. (health problems) is due to *gasp* my diet. (the fact that i LOVE food. and LOVE to cook does not help much either) so evaluating my relationship with food and eating has been an interesting, albeit time-consuming, tiring, difficult and expensive journey.

buuuuuuuut…..my LIFE depends upon it. so. it HAS to be done. and besides (me) i worry about my kids too…so making sure they are eating healthy and getting their vitamins and veggies. drinking disgusting green shakes for breakfast instead of plates filled with jelly topped scones and bacon + eggs on the side….the look on their faces really is priceless each morning. “don’t put spinach in mine.” “i hate coconut milk.” “that new shake powder you bought is disgusting.” are some of the things which would be overheard if you had your ear pressed to the outside of my kitchen door on most days of the week excepting saturdays and sundays. (i’m not so strict then!)

i finally finished my mother’s birthday scarf. (started sometime last year).

my mother, the artist. i can’t believe it has almost been one year since her accident. my how the time does fly….

i’ve been dillydallying with sepia tones a lot lately. it’s funny how even with all of the technological advancements in digital photography/editing i find that the lack of color in certain pictures to be so peaceful.

 color can be so noisy…..unless you are a fall tree in crowning glory, of course…

naptimes with a book resting on your chest….definitely a black and white moment. (this girl child is a book thief. we are immensely enjoying shirley jackson right now. short stories and spooky stories. spine chilling eerie written so craftily . but because we are “sharing” the book she often reads ahead of me and will text me little “hints”.  it’s driving me nuts because she has more time to read than i do!)

so i promise not to cram too much more into this post.

it is late and i have a list a mile long for the morning.

it was good to check in.

let’s do this again soon.

 

 

her heart just wasn’t in it…

“mrs. wilcox did her best with algebra, but her heart just wasn’t in it…”

that’s me these days…i am mrs. wilcox.

my heart is not feelin’ the algebra…

in fact my heart is not “in” a lot of things.

newsflash: my children are driving me nuts. they don’t wanna listen. they don’t wanna do school. they bicker. bicker. bicker. they don’t wanna pray. my house is constantly messy and noisy. i am constantly grading papers and tidying messes.

and it all makes me not wanna be the mama.

it makes me wanna run far. far. away. take a three hour nap. read a pile of good literature and have someone bring me copious amounts of coffee and delicious foods…possibly for days…

“without the suffering Mary, mothers who feel the sting of sorrow over their children would have lacked a model. mothers should not forget the trials and loneliness of this Mother during the public life of her Son, her anguish on Calvary, and those long years after the Ascension in which she waited to join Him in heaven. suffering and anguish will surely come to Catholic mothers because of their sons. let mothers look to and pray to the Mother of Sorrows, the Queen of the Afflicted.”

her heart was in it.

and so every. single. morning. i start my day with: i believe….

it’s like my own little magnificat. my weak little soul’s way of magnifying the Lord…

and then the good things shift into focus: a little stamp collection started by the baby, with some help from sissy. a kitty in the kitchen. a successful fractions lesson with scones.

successful pumpkin spice scones that taste so very sweet and yummy!

that nature walk the other day with the baby and my dad. we looked at trees and leaves. my dad’s eyes were as blue as the fall sky. and the baby’s hair had a golden red glow like mine!

oh, yes. i’ve missed this space. i miss documenting my life.

not for readership sake. but because every life is a story and i want my kids to know what our story was someday….

for better and for worse.

i really aim to keep up more often. it’s been too long.

i think my heart just might be in it again…..