little i

i had a break down of sorts today.

i am disenchanted about a lot of things and people in my life that i have no control over.

mostly teenagers and dripping faucets.

both can be so annoying.

picking the weirdest times of the day to, well, annoy me.

i took a warm bath this morning.

perhaps that is how it began….

water can be so cleansing in many different ways.

and then i think i went back to bed.

i cried a few times.

it felt so therapeutic.

and then i had a warm cup of green tea with lemon.

no coffee for once.

i didn’t want to feel jittery and energized.

i wanted quiet, calm peace.

the kind that comes when you’ve “cried till you have no more tears left in you.”

and i did feel “as if nothing is ever going to happen again.”

i also prayed like i haven’t prayed in a while.

and really, that is what i needed.

little i. big HIM.

we do this sort of tango.

i know HE is there.

it’s passionate and intimate and beautiful.

and then there are days and days when i don’t make the time to have a good heart to heart with HIM.

and HE gets jealous.

and i, being the fallen human being that i am, tend to look at prayer as ONE MORE THING i need to do, but don’t really want to…

because i am tired and achy and stressed.

and there are dripping faucets and teenagers. and junk everywhere. and laundry. and it’s 102 degrees outside.

and i am a control freak-weak-minded-sloth.

“christianity is not easy: the great religious struggle is not fought on a spectacular battleground, but within the ordinary human heart, when every morning we awake and feel the pressures of the day crowding in on us, and we must decide what sort of immortals we wish to be.”

yeah, so i am quoting a lot of c.s. lewis.

but sometimes someone else’s words are better.

they sound better than my own pithy, pitiful jibberish.

i do detest pithy, pitiful jibberish…and speaking of such…the baby just woke up from a pouty nap he was taking on my bed…he, too, is feeling sorry for himself.

it’s so hard to be bored.

this kid wants constant entertainment.

so i guess i will do us all a favor and get off of here and go find something to do…

thanks for letting me vent, friends.

i don’t know why it is so easy for me to do it here….quietly, yet strangely outloud…in the blogosphere.

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7 thoughts on “little i

  1. I had my own breakdown last Sunday. I was lucky to have a priest present for part of it. He told me to pray for JOY. And again, in a series rented from Netflix, the words, “Hold on to Joy”. So our Lord is trying to tell me something, right? So I added “joy” to the long shopping list of petitions, along with greater faith, a larger heart, the gift of prayer, and so on and on and on.

    I am just not accustomed to surrender. I am the one who clings tightly to everything and everyone. I am not good at letting go.

    Hang in there. Surrender everything except Him–and Joy.

  2. I could pretty much just repost this and it would ALL apply! The teenager, control freak slothy me, bored little ones – who can’t find anything to do and keep hanging on my leg … toss in a newer sewer and a knit top that needs to be completed and that would about cover all of it. I would really love a Silent Retreat to connect and feel HIM.

  3. aww. i do hope you are feeling better. those days are just so hard. yes joy. and beauty. there is joy in the beauty. and as we know – the truth is beauty. isn’t it all lovely how He has arranged it? praying.

  4. annita on said:

    Oh, Regan, I’ve raised two teenagers, have two in the house now… three more to go! One of the absolute hardest things about it, is realizing you really do not have the control that you did when they were “littles”!

    I, too, am very guilty of seeing prayer as one more thing to do on a long list of to-do’s. What I cannot seem to get myself to learn is that I always, no matter what the situation at the time, feel better when I make that time to be with God.

    Peace, Regan… I’m so glad you are posting more frequently. +JMJ+

  5. Christine on said:

    Hugs to you bloggy friend.
    teenagers…big sigh.
    just lub them. I was once a teen ager and I wish more people would have just hugged and loved me more. HARD stage. So is being a mother. Super hard stage.
    thoughts go out to you.

  6. Ever since I heard my son’s (former) principal tell his graduating class that he hopes that they start each day with “The name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” I try to wake wake day with the sign of the cross. Some days it is the only formal prayer I pray until hours after waking — that’s just the way some days are, but it IS a great way to start the day. Just saying “all for You, Lord, all for You.”

  7. Carol on said:

    Teenagers . . . blech!

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